Mommy said *that* word

Omgsh. I did it. It happened. Shock and horror were in the eyes of my children. In slow motion I saw their eyes widen and jaws drop as soon as my own mouth closed. I let it happen. In all the years of motherhood and my Christian living, I've never been so mortified. I dropped the bomb. Yep. The repulsive "F" bomb. Loudly. Clearly. And with purpose.

Ok. Let me back up. My charming husband convinced me that buying a rat, yes a rat, would be a great addition to our family. Immediately I said no, but his begging was too cute to resist. He had a positive experience with a pet rat (still grosses me out to say 'pet rat,' no offense towards current rat owners), and he wanted the kids to experience the same. And, to his defense and to the defense of all pet rat owners, everyone who has ever owned one has shared with me that they are, in fact, fun pets to own (I'm still doing research, though). 

So off to the pet store we went, and if you could've seen my husband's grin as he sat in the passenger seat holding the box containing our new pet, you also would've thought this wasn't such a bad idea. He was so excited to surprise the kids when they got home from school, it was pretty cute.

The kids came home to their surprise, immediately fell in love and named the rodent, I mean, family pet, Ellie. My daughter even drew a pretty little name tag to place onto its cage. I spent the next couple hours staring at the cage in my son's room while Googling information about this new pet. Every website I went to was raving about these "clean, smart and lovable" pets, as well as the ease of training these critters. All the videos I watched made me smile as rats did tricks and snuggled onto the laps their owners. I was starting to warm up to this faux Minnie Mouse.

So I started bringing her treats like oats and grapes I'd cut up for her small little mouth. I was going into my son's room several times a day so she would get used to our interaction. I was going to make friends with this thing. And on day 4 of ownership, that all changed.

I went to her cage after waking up my son for school and I saw that she was sitting on top of her cute pink igloo house watching me as I moved. So I said good morning to her in my sweet "I kinda like you" voice and opened her cage to offer her some oats...from my hand. Because, ya know, at this point of me bringing her sweets and talking to her everyday, we should be best friends by now. All of a sudden, she leapt from the top of that stupid igloo shelter, took a hold of my thumb and wouldn't release it until I flicked my wrist and she flung off my finger. Screaming as she did this, my son rushes to my aid, my daughter races into his room to see what happened, and as I slammed the door of the cage, with tears in my eyes and blood starting to pour out of my thumb, I yelled (not simply said, but yelled) a lovely "F you" to the rat. Not a figurative or metaphoric "F you," the actual words flew off my tongue. 

I turned around to head towards my bathroom to wash off the now dripping blood from my hands, and that was when I noticed the wide eyes and open mouths of my kids as they tried to process what they just heard from their mother's mouth. I ran straight to my bathroom, in tears, and hollered for my daughter to bring a bandaid to me. I'm sure out of fear of their now seemingly demonic mother, they were willing to do anything I asked at that moment.

Has something like that ever happened to you? You've either said something or done something that was not only completely out of character, but also completely wrong from what you've been teaching your kids?  Please tell me I'm not the only one!

So what do you do when that happens?

Own up to it

Yep. I'm a grown woman. I own a house. I have a job. I'm in my mid 30's and I have two kids and a husband. And the thing I needed to do was humble out and apologize to my kids. I needed to apologize to my 11 year old and my 9 year old. It doesn't matter that I'm a grown up. It doesn't matter that I'm years ahead of them in life experience. It doesn't matter. They witnessed me doing something that I tell them is wrong and I needed to own up to it.

I asked them to come into my room and I apologized for what I said. And I didn't make excuses for it. I didn't justify it. Why? Because it was unacceptable. It was totally inappropriate, no matter how angry or hurt I was. I think they were still in shock because they didn't say much other than to nod their head in acknowledgment of my apology. But later that evening, my son approached me and said, "mama, thank you for saying you're sorry, I forgive you." Ahhhh, sweet forgiveness!

I'm guilty of this in more areas than a one-time foul mouthed exclamation. And I'm not always so quick to recognize it and then apologize for it. My husband has witnessed some pretty nasty behavior from me that didn't involve R rated language. He has seen fits of rage, attitude, disrespect, loss of self control, jealousy, selfishness, envy, and the like. And I have justified every behavior. "Well, it's because you did this," or "if you wouldn't have done that," or "I've had a rough day," or "you wouldn't understand what I'm going through." Society tells us, especially women, that we not only can, but should be doing just that! Society tells us that we don't need to apologize for our behavior. In fact, society calls it strength if you do exactly that: justify your behavior.  

This is what society would've done with my rat situation: 

"You tell that rat! It shouldn't have done that to you! It hurt you! Hurt it back! You don't deserve that! Don't feel bad! Let that rodent have it and don't back down!"

Now, let's replace that with husband, frenemy, neighbor, boss, coworker, teacher, family member:

"You tell him! He shouldn't have done that to you! He hurt you! Get him back! You don't deserve that! Don't feel bad! Let him have it and don't back down!"

How many times have you been told that? How many times have you told yourself that? Take your time thinking about it...I'll be over here counting the times I've heard it and said it to myself. 

With the rat situation it was easy for me to see my sin, well, it was easy for me to hear it. I knew it before I even finished saying it. I knew I needed to own up to it and correct it. But the other times, my pride blocks my vision. I can't see my selfishness, my jealousy, my disrespect or my fits of rage (ok, sometimes I can see that one) because my pride acts as a blinder. 

Without stating the obvious, why was it so easy for me to acknowledge my sin with that rat? Because it was my kids. I was pretty confident I would get their forgiveness. It was easy for me to humble out because my sin wasn't directed towards them. They're children, they love me, it's safe for me to be humble.

But my husband? My boss? My neighbor? My family member? My coworker? I'm not promised their forgiveness. I'm not promised their understanding. I'm not promised the safety zone for my vulnerability. So what do I do instead? I let my pride continue to hide it and sometimes even continue to build on it.

No matter what the situation, own it. You may not always get the forgiveness you are hoping to receive (I've been down that path, also. That's another story for another blog entry), but you need to own up to your sin...because ultimately, it was your choice. I could've chosen to say something different to that rat. I could've chosen to just grumble and not use any words. Instead, well, you know what I did. 

We will never be perfect. We're not supposed to be perfect. But we are definitely expected to aim for it. 

We have people all around us who are watching us, observing us and seeing if we are "true Christians." What would've happened had I ignored my potty mouth (yes, potty mouth)? What would they have thought had I not acknowledged and apologized for my sin? They may not know what the word hypocrite means according to Merriam-Webster, but they would've known that mommy just did something she tells them not to do. And she didn't care that she did it. Hmmm....not exactly what I want them to observe as I walk with God.

I want my children, and my husband, and my coworkers, and my neighbors, and my boss, and everyone around me to see that I will make mistakes. I will stumble and fall. 

But I will own up to it. I will acknowledge it. I will ask forgiveness. I will repent.

Oh what a lesson for me to learn so early in the morning. 

My husband took that rodent back to the pet store...only to bring home two different ones. Yes. Two new ones. He and the kids named them Lucy and Ethel. I'm going to give it another try. Pray for my quick tongue because the last thing I want is God saying, "Jenn, you got some 'splainin to do..."

Xoxo

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I don't want to go!

It happened. My energetic, spirited 9 year old son who has loved and acknowledged God for more than half of his life said it: "I don't want to go to church." He followed that up with "why do we have to go?" And then the kicker: "Daddy doesn't go."

This isn't the first time I've heard this; my daughter expressed these same thoughts a couple of years ago (thankfully, we got past that!).  But this was different. And the reason this was different was because my son has always had an appreciation for God. He's the one who reminds me that we need to pray at night when he goes to bed ("don't forget we need to pray, mommy!"), he's the one who has always said, "I love you, mom, but not as much as I love God." And he's the one who has said, "nobody is stronger than Daddy, except God."  So, hearing his little voice say, "I don't want to go to church," hurt my heart in many ways. 

So what do I do? Do I get mad at him for telling me what he's thinking? Do I angrily force him to get ready for church? Do I verbally blame his father for the way my son is thinking? Nope. None of the above...despite the fact that I kinda want to do all those things because I'm hurt.

Several years ago, my cousin and I shared a conversation and I can only recall part of that talk. Yes, only part of it. And, seeing as it was so long ago, I feel lucky that I remember even that much. It was around the time my daughter was 5 or 6 years old and she made the same comment to me: "I don't want to go to church." The truth is, all kids will voice this at one point in time.  If we're being honest, there are days when I feel the same exact sentiment. There are plenty of Sunday mornings or Tuesday evenings when my exact thought is: "I don't want to go to church."  But that's when I remember what my cousin said to me; it was something that her mother used to say to her when she didn't want to go to church as a child. 

"That's fine, you don't have to go. But let's pray, and if you can tell God that you're too busy for Him and that you have better things to do than to go to church and worship Him, then you can stay home."

Whoa. Who wants to say that to God? Certainly not me. 

So when my son came crawling out from under his bed (he had been hoping I wouldn't notice he was missing and would leave for church without him), he stood in the center of his room and with a whiny voice equivalent to the sound of nails on a chalkboard, he said, "I don't want to go to church! Why do we even have to go? Daddy doesn't go..."

So I stood in the doorway to his room, and recited:

"That's fine, you don't have to go. But let's pray, and if you can tell God that you're too busy for Him and that you have better things to do than to go to church and worship Him, then you can stay home."

And then I walked away. I went to my room, partially to calm my thoughts and tame my naturally wicked tongue, and partially to allow him to weigh his options.  I waited just a moment or two and the headed back to his room, where I found him getting dressed.  I asked him if he was ready to pray together. He looked at me and said, "we can pray, but I'm going to church."

On the way home from church, from the back seat of my car I heard his voice, which was no longer whiny, say to me, "mama, I'm sorry I didn't obey you this morning." I didn't make a big deal about it, I simply said, "I forgive you." And I let it go.  He didn't need my repetitive words or reasons why we need to be in church. He already knew. Because you know what happens on those days when we don't want to go to church?  When we push through those temporary feelings and make our way to church, we leave there realizing that church was exactly what we needed for our attitudes. 

Granted, he's only 9 years old. He was probably so happy to see his friends and his Sunday school teachers and that wiped away his bad attitude. This was a battle that I won with my son this morning, but I know there is war ahead. This train of thought may not work when he's 13, 17 or 21 years old. But it did let me know that he stopped to think about having to admit such thoughts to God...and he didn't have it in his heart to do so.

But there is something to be said to all of us in the interaction that morning with my son.

We all have those days. 

"I don't want to go to church,"

We look at the lives of those who don't go to church.

"They don't go to church and look at how well they're doing."

So why do I have to go to church?

Because I could never tell my Creator that I'm too busy for Him. I could never tell my God that I don't have time to worship Him.  There is no way I could ever approach His throne and tell Him that I have better plans.  Not my God. Not my Savior. Not the one who sacrificed all for me and He asks so little in return. 

Look at David and his yearning to praise and worship God:

"You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water. ...Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you." Psalm 63:1-5

There are definitely days when I feel like David, when my heart is bursting with excitement, joy and gratitude. Thankfully, those days are more often than not.  But on those "other" days, it can be hard to gather excitement around the thought of worship.

So on those days when you just don't want to do it, do what I do.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself:

"That's fine, you don't have to go. But let's pray, and if you can tell God that you're too busy for Him and that you have better things to do than to go to church and worship Him, then you can stay home."

You'll be surprised to find that the words never come. 

Xoxo

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Hold up, what'd she say?

I love kids. And sometimes, I love their honesty. Sometimes. I once saw this thing on Pinterest that said, "if a woman says you're ugly, she's jealous. If a man says you're ugly, he's mean. If a kid says you're ugly, you're ugly." Kids are great like that, aren't they? We can always count on them to share embarrassing truths with a stranger.

My kids have said plenty of things to embarrass me over the years, and I'm sure they'll continue to embarrass me in years to come. But there have also been times when the truths that have spilled from their cute little mouths have made me proud and have at times surprised me with the depth of their understanding.

Not long ago my daughter came home after spending some time with a friend, and I could tell that something was bothering her. It didn't take much coaxing for her to share with me that a conversation she had with her friend "really got her fired up." I asked her what the conversation was about and she lowered her head as she told me that it was about me and my husband.

Me: "what was said?"

Cute daughter: "that you and Daddy aren't living right because he's not a Christian."

Whoa. That's not a light topic.

I asked her to tell me more about their conversation. 

Cute daughter: "she said that you can't be married to him because he doesn't go to church. And she said that the bible even says that. She said that something is wrong if Daddy isn't a Christian."

I listened intently as she continued to divulge details of their conversation and I painfully watched her eyes fill with tears. I asked her how she responded to her friend's comments:

Cute daughter: "I told her that I didn't want to talk about it anymore but she kept telling me stuff. I didn't want to argue with her."

Ugh. My initial reaction was to call up the mom and tell her to quit talking about my marriage at their dinner table, but of course, I didn't. Instead, I followed my daughter's example and kept my ugly thoughts to myself. I grabbed my bible, sat down with my daughter and we looked at the only words she needs to believe.

1) "Yoke"

I first showed my daughter the scripture that her friend was most likely referring to when she accused us of living "wrong." It reads:

"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God." 2Corinthians 6:14-16

It's important to know that this book of the bible is a letter written by Paul to the church in Corinth and at this point in time, the church was weak and was struggling with division and spiritual immaturity. Paul was wanting to encourage the faithful believers to stay committed to God's truth as Paul's authority was being challenged and attacked. So who was Paul addressing? A group of spiritually weak believers. And who loves to prowl around weaklings? The enemy. So Paul was warning the believers about the idea of linking up with an unbeliever, especially in areas of partnership. He's not limiting it to emotional or physical relationships, but in business and work relationships as well. 

Do you know what "yoke" means? I didn't know what it meant when I read this for the first time. A yoke is a wooden crosspiece that was placed over the neck of two animals and was attached to a cart or a plow, therefore the animals had to work closely together and where one went, the other had to follow. Knowing this, it's clear to see why Paul would state such a warning...when we are spiritually weak, it's easy for us to be lead astray. Maybe you're single and the temptation of that cute guy is crying out to you, 'oh I want to be yoked to him!' Maybe a business deal will promise you a small fortune, but you have to partner up with an unethical person. Maybe you reconnected with an old friend and they want you to go out, drink and party with them...ya know, revive the partners in crime status. Maybe an outsider is challenging your convictions and wants you to explore a different religion with them. Whatever it is, when we are spiritually weak, pairing up with an unbeliever is never a good idea.

2) "but, my husband..."

So here we are. Married to a non-believer. And Paul said not to get tied up in that! Well, yes. I agree with Paul...if you are already a believer and find yourself wanting to be with an unbeliever, are you willing to leave God to follow a man?

A long while ago, a dear friend of mine was dating one of my best friends. They were both believers and involved in a pure relationship. My best friend, we'll call her Sally, was feeling the temptation of doubt and eventually she walked away from God. My friend, we'll call him Larry, was devastated by her decision to leave God. But he loved her so much, he tried to hold on, hoping it could still work and that she would come back to God. But after some time, Larry realized that it would never work. He said to me, "I was gonna marry her. But, you can't build a house on two different foundations." And, that was the end of their love story. 

So true. It's impossible to build a home on two different foundations. Which is why heeding Paul's warning is important if you are a single woman of faith. Imagine starting off your marriage with such different views! The first year of marriage is difficult enough. 

But then there are cases like mine: married, found God while married, husband thought he wanted God, turns out he doesn't (for now), and now we have to build on two different foundations. And boy can it be a rocky foundation at times. When I married my husband, neither of us were believers. I wasn't exchanging one for the other. I wasn't choosing man over God. I didn't idolize my husband instead of worshipping God. What happened after we married, well, I believe is all part of God's master plan. 

3) "so, is my marriage wrong?"

No way, sister. In fact, Peter addresses the spiritually single woman...which tells us that women married to non-believers has been going on for quite some time, and he didn't condemn them. But rather, he encouraged them:

"Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husband so that if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." 1Peter 3:1-2

How incredible is that. Peter wasn't telling you that your marriage is wrong in God's eyes. He wasn't saying, "nice job picking that one, good luck with that whole unbelieving husband thing." He was doing quite the opposite. He was encouraging us to respect, honor and serve our husbands. He was giving us hope. He was filling our hearts with encouragement. He was not telling us that we are living wrong.

Spiritually single women have obviously had a presence in God's church for so long that He wanted to make sure that we were instructed how to love our husbands, even if they're non-believers. 

-----

After talking with my daughter I could see the relief in her eyes. I explained to her my story of finding God after we had been married. I told her that Paul's warning is something to keep close to her heart if she chooses to make Jesus the Lord of her life (God willing she will)...it's always a better idea to start your life with one who shares with you the same love for God. But for those of us who found God after we were married, or even some of us whose husbands were Christians but they walked away from God, our marriages are not wrong. We are not living wrong. We are simply a vessel in God's plan for our lives, as well as the lives of our husbands.

Don't let the words of others try to drown your hope. Remember that God's words are the only words we need to believe. He is 100% supportive of your marriage. He needs you there. He's going to use you in many wonderful ways. Listen to Him...and only to Him. But if you need to hear it from the mouth of a child's pure heart, my daughter will happily tell you, "if God says it's good, then it's good." Ahhh, out of the mouths of babes.

Xoxo

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Comfort in the storm

Today was one of those days. I felt defeated. I felt unloved. I felt sad. I felt weak. I wished that God was tangible and I could just curl up in His protection and cry.

I imagined sitting next to God. I let my imagination soar and pictured the two of us sitting on one of those large porch swings, beneath a tree, the bright green and fresh grass tickling the bottom of my feet with each swinging motion. I imagined talking to Him, telling Him about my broken heart, as tears filled my eyes. We just sat there, He and I, on the swing. I spoke, He listened. I imagined the way it would feel to be able to curl up next to Him, my perfect Father, and feel the love He has for me. I asked God to help me not to rely on the words, the approval and the acceptance of others. I asked God to help me feel His love and the ability to see myself in His eyes. I asked God to fill me up with His love and His acceptance. And the rest of my prayer was without words, just tears.

I hope I'm not the only woman who goes through these moments of doubting my self-worth. Despite the possibility that there must be other women out there who have felt this way before, the feeling can leave us to believe that we are completely alone.  And that's exactly what our enemy wants us to feel. He wants us to believe that our value is at zero and we are alone on the battlefield. Why? Because then our faith is not strong and his power over us is strengthened. But we are never alone.

Call me crazy or weird (I can be both at times), but allowing myself to just cry and imagining myself wrapped safely in God's protection greatly eased my heart. Before I knew it, my sobs quieted, my eyes stopped producing tears, my breathing slowed and I felt myself falling asleep. It was like God let me get it out and then hushed me, much like we do with children. Think about it: when a child is hurt, they're crying loudly, they're difficult to console, and no matter what we say, it doesn't take away their hurt. But when we cradle them in our arms, offer to kiss their hurts and just let them cry it out, their sobbing slowly ceases, they are no longer loud and their body begins to relax. Why? Because we made them feel safe, loved and protected.

Just like our God. He is the perfect Father. His heart breaks each time he sees us hurting. He knows what is going on in your world. He hears the hurtful words said to you, He witnesses the unjust actions against you, He watches as you try to get through each day. And He's waiting for you to come to Him with your concerns, your worries, your fears and your broken heart. And just like you open your arms for a hurt child, He's doing the same for you.

If you've had a rough day, a rough week or even a rough month (that was me), you have the ultimate comfort waiting for you with open arms. And it's ok to break down. It's ok to cry. It's ok to tell God that you can't take another step. It's ok. Break down in His comfort. You are not alone in this battle. You have something that many are still searching for: God. And He is ready for you with open arms. 

Keep going, sweet sister. Every day is a battle. Every day is a challenge. But every day you have an Almighty God who is ready to comfort, console and love you as a parent loves a child. And that's exactly what you are: His daughter.

Xoxo

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