Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Love, God


Dear Valentine,

I can see when your heart is aching.  I know when you are longing for something.  There are days when you are filled with joy, and there are days when you are feeling despair.  I dance with you on the days when your heart is light.  I cradle you on the days when you lose hope.

I am here for you, always.

Nothing can ever separate us.  I will never leave you.  I know you have been hurt in the past.  I know you have been betrayed.  I know it is sometimes difficult for you to trust that I am here.  

But I promise, here is where I will always be.  For you.  Forever.

I love you more than I could ever hope to tell you.  When I look at you, I see the flawlessness of your beauty and the beauty of your character.  You are exactly as I imagined you to be.  I smile as I watch you go about your day.  I am so proud to call you mine.  

I created you because I wanted you.  For so long I hoped that you would want Me, too.  Within your soul you carry my hopes and my dreams for you.  I want you to have the best of everything because I love you more than anything.  

You are everything I've ever wanted. 
You are beautiful.
You are flawless in my eyes.
I talk about you to the angels.
I rejoice when I hear you call on Me.
In YOU I find hope.  In YOU I see love.
In YOU I see ME.

You will forever be My favorite Valentine.  

I love you.

Love,
God

xoxo







Monday, January 16, 2017

Are You His Refuge?


As a child, when you heard thunder, what did you do?  Did you run to someone?  Did you hide?  Did you close all the blinds?  Did you turn up the television?  Where was your safe place during the storm?

Imagine a time in your life when you were the most scared.
Imagine the comfort you received.
The reassurance you were given.
Imagine the way it felt to feel your worries escape your thoughts.
The weight you felt being lifted from your heart.

Now, imagine that scary time again.
And this time, imagine being without a safe place to go.  

____________

Many years ago my husband was diagnosed with anxiety.  He opted not to treat his diagnosis with medication, and he didn't seek further therapy.  We just went on with life knowing that this "thing" was there.  I didn't take the time to learn anything about it, I just assumed he would figure it out and that would be the end of it.  He was going to be a fireman, and after all, they're the toughest guys out there, right?

During the fire academy there are many intense drills and scenarios that these guys have to face.  I will never forget the day my husband called me on his way home, in tears, because he was so scared. They were preparing to do a confined space drill, which was a drill that scared him the most.  And he couldn't do it.  I didn't know how to help him.  I didn't know what to say.  I can't remember exactly what was said, but I can promise you this: it wasn't reassuring.  I was at home raising a toddler and an infant while working full time and he was living in another city while going through this academy.  I felt that I didn't have time for his fears, I had enough going on at home.   

My husband called me during his storm.  And I proved to him that I was not a safe place.

A few years ago I received a call from my husband's Captain; they were taking him to the local emergency room because he was having heart palpitations.  Once it was determined that my husband was indeed in good health, he was discharged from the hospital and sent home.  My husband called me on his drive home; he was silent, almost afraid to talk.  I asked him the typical questions, "what happened?" And when he couldn't answer me, I grew frustrated.  "What do you mean you don't know?  Something had to happen. Something had to have made you feel this way.  Do you have any [confined space] drills coming up? Are you freaked out?"

Again, he called me during his storm.  And I proved to him that I was not a safe place.

When he walked in the door that day, I could see it in his face.  I could see his defeat.  I could see his fear.  I could see his worry.  

From that day, I vowed to be his safe place.
But I didn't know how to get there.  I knew in my heart that I wanted to become his place of security, but I knew that he couldn't trust that I would be safe.

It took a long time and a lot of effort from me before my husband realized that I was, indeed, safe.
I remember the first time I saw him trust me.

He had come home from working at his mom's house all day long; when he got home, he saw that our lawns needed to be mowed, a sprinkler in the front of the house was shooting up like a fountain, and his dinner was on a plate in the microwave because he didn't make it back in time to eat with us.

He was pacing around the backyard and I stood in the kitchen watching him through the window.  He finally stopped, so I walked out to him and just put my hand on his back.  He started to pull away from me, but instead he stayed there and just turned his head in the opposite direction of me.  I tried to look at him, and with just the right light from the moon, I could see that he had been crying.  

He was overwhelmed.  He was lost.  He didn't know what to do next.

I grabbed his hand and just stood there.
I didn't say a word.
I just held his hand in mine.

And then....he opened up.  His words came pouring out. I remember wrapping my arms around him, burying myself into his chest, and the only words I said were, "I love you so much."

That opened up the door for my husband.  He knew from that moment on that I was safe.

______________________

For those that have been following my blog for a while, or who have known us personally, you know that our marriage most definitely had its highest of highs and its lowest of lows.  I caused my husband a lot of pain with my deceit about finances, and he caused a lot of pain with the need to numb his emotions with alcohol.  The both of us lost trust in each other and neither of us would call each other "safe."  And for a long time, neither of us cared to be each other's safe place.

For years I prayed that God would change my husband.  Don't we all do that?  "God, please just change this about him..."  I didn't dare pray for me to change because I didn't want that challenge.  But God is amazing like that - I didn't have to pray for me to change because He was already working on it.  And apparently I'm a slower learner.  

In my blog post last year (I Moved a Storm) I shared about my daughter's anxiety attacks that we had been facing for months.  As a mother, I did everything to learn more about how to help my daughter.  I begged for advice, I purchased books, I paid for therapy, I prayed and prayed and prayed.  I would do anything to be the safe place for my daughter.  

And then one day I caught myself in the midst of my frantic research:  why didn't I ever do that for my husband?  I started paying attention to his habits: each morning that he was home and having to go to work, he woke in the middle of the night with a stomachache.  I always knew this about him, but never questioned it; I didn't realize he was feeling anxious.  He was a restless sleeper, always wanting to cuddle up to me in the middle of the night, and I'm not a snuggler...especially when I sleep.  

One restless night he, again, woke me up by laying his weight on a majority of my body.  Normally, I would turn away from him and force him to hug my back.  This time, I turned my body towards him, wrapped my arms around him, and just held him.  I felt his body relax and soon afterwards, his breathing became heavy as he fell back to sleep.

"Oh my gosh, all those years and this was all he needed?"  I felt so guilty.  
I finally got it right.

And for all the days of my life, I will never forget what he said to me 4 months before he died...
We were having dinner at his mom's house, I was watching him dance to country music with our daughter when he broke away from his dance and walked over to me.  From behind, he wrapped his strong arms around my waist, nuzzling his face into that spot between my neck and my shoulder, and he said, "I love you more now than I ever have before."  

I will never forget that.  
I did it.  I earned his trust.  I had successfully become his safe place.

We used to joke that after years of being married, we "finally got it right."

___________________________

So, how do you do it?  How do you become the "safe place" when, if we're being honest, you don't want to?
You love him.  And you love the beast in him.


I had somehow stumbled upon this image years ago when I was most definitely not acting as my husband's safe place.  I saved this image to my phone and I stared at it...often.  This spoke so loudly to me despite the fact that there were no words.

This was the effect I wanted to have on my husband. I wanted to melt away the monster.

Be Quiet
Easier said than done, right?  Each man is different.  Each man has different needs.  But each man wants to be heard.  He had a bad day at work?  He's stressed about paying the bills?  He can't stand his coworkers?  He hates the commute?  His brother's best friend's uncle's neighbor upset him?  The dog sheds too much?  

Just listen.  

"To answer before listening - that is folly and shame." (Proverbs 18:13 - NIV)
OR in other words:
"Answering before listening is both stupid and rude." (Proverbs 18:13 - The Message Translation)

I'm a big talker.  And I love to offer solutions before even hearing the problem.  Ugh.  It took a lot of lessons for me to learn what God so clearly lays out.  

Go back to the illustration above.  She's not talking.  She's not offering solutions.  She's silently loving him.  Let him talk.  Let him speak.  Let him know that you are not always going to rebuttal his words, and you are not always going to give a solution.  Sometimes, they just want to be heard, and they want a safe place to lay those words.

LOVE Him
We all have bad days.  We all have those days when we just want to tear out the eyes of the stuffed animal on the bed because it looks too smug. (Oh, is that just me?)

And we all want to be loved during those bad days.  

I often think about the unconditional love that I get from God on a daily (hourly, really) basis.  He doesn't stop showing love to me because I want to rip apart that stuffed bear.  In fact, He loves me even more.  When I think about the number of times God has shown love and grace to me, I feel bad for the guy.

You can't give love without offering grace.  
And you can't offer grace without giving love.
And God has given so much of both to me.

"You don't understand, my husband can be so difficult to love."
Oh, but I do understand.  
Everyone has a husband who can be difficult to love.
And every husband has a wife who can be difficult to love.
(And let's be honest, if you have teenagers, even they can be difficult to love)

Think about when you were a child and you got hurt.  What did you want?  You were crying out in pain (equivalent to a bad attitude at the end of the day) and you needed to be comforted.  What if your parent or grandparent saw you in pain, looked at you and walked away because they were angry with you for being disobedient the day before?

Is that what you do to your husband?  Do you deny love and reassurance because he said something hurtful the day before?

Showing love to your spouse during their most difficult days begins to open the door of trust.  The best way to show him love?  Kindness.  Don't mistake kindness with subservience.  It takes great strength to be kind to someone who may not reciprocate.  We all know the saying, "kill them with kindness."  Just be kind.  Watch what happens.  Kindness can melt the hardest of hearts.

Be Patient...and PRAY
It pains me to know that for so many years I missed the cues of my husband's needs.  He was not a perfect husband and I was certainly far from a perfect wife.  But once we figured it out, it was better than anything we imagined.  

What fills your prayers?  The hope that your husband will be the one to change?  Think again.  That's not where God is going to put His focus.  He needs to make sure your heart is ready for your husband's insecurities.  God himself wants to make sure that you can be trusted with your husband's heart.  So guess who He is going to be focusing on...you.  Me.  

I used to pray for God to change the heart of my husband.  And then one of my closest friends told me to switch up my prayers.  "Pray for him to feel God's love for him.  Pray that he will know how much God loves him."  So, I started praying for that...and guess who was the one God planned to use in that prayer request?  Yep, me.

We can't change our guys.  We can only focus on ourselves.  There will be days when you throw your hands up in the air and say, "what the heck, God? I'm loving my husband like you told me to, why is it still so rough??"  Because it doesn't happen overnight.  It requires patience and complete reliance on God.  My husband didn't change overnight.  My husband changed when I did...he softened when I did.  

There were many times when I tried to show my husband that I was safe.  And there were many times that he was leery.  There were several times that my efforts went unnoticed, and there were several moments when I wanted to quit.  

But that night in my backyard, I saw the walls come down, and suddenly I lost count of the months I spent trying because all that mattered in that moment was that I succeeded.

Don't give up on your guy.  Be patient.  Like anything, you have to earn his trust.  A man is not typically wired to expose his fears, his worries or his insecurities.  Over time he will see that you are safe.  Be patient.  God is planning to use YOU to answer your prayers.

_________________

Hindsight is always the best sight, and in so many ways I wish I could go back to my newlywed self and teach myself how to be the safe place for my husband.  Almost 16 years of marriage that included babies, separation, many arguments, hopelessness, and frustration.  But when we "finally got it right," it was worth all those lessons we learned in years prior.

Love the monster out of your man, let him melt into your heart.  Be that place of refuge for him.  The place where he can safely lay his words, where he can comfortably expose his fears, and where he will run during the storm.

There was a night when my husband said to me, "I feel the safest when I am with you..."
Words that will forever stay with me.  Words I never thought I'd hear.  Words that were worth the days and nights of perseverance and prayer.

The work starts with you.
Be quiet.
Listen.
Love.
Be patient.
Pray.

After all, every beauty loves the beast who desperately just wants to be a man.

xoxo













Monday, January 2, 2017

From the bottom of my heart

[The day of my husband's funeral]

It's the second day into the new year, and tonight I fed my children a meal that was placed in my freezer  at some point within the last 3 months.  I have not been to the market in almost 15 weeks.  Paper goods magically appeared and have seemed to reproduce in my house.  The most I have done for my children has been to buy the occasional gallon of milk, replace my son's deodorant, and make sure they have clean underwear (and even that's been iffy).  

Meals have been brought to my mother-in-law, food has been dropped off to my parents, gifts have been left on my porch and delivered to my husband's station.  Countless emails and messages have been received, along with phone calls, voicemails, and text messages.

Tonight as I placed a prepared meal into my oven, I was completely overwhelmed with the realization of just how much my family has been loved, prayed for, and served.  It's been over 3 months and I still have meals to feed my children.  I have bundles of gift cards to markets and restaurants.  YOU are feeding my family.  

Not only has my family been served physically with meals, gifts, and more recently the helpful put-up and tear down of Christmas, but the absolutely mind blowing generosity of so many from all over the country has honestly moved me to tears.

For the last 3 months, my children and I have literally been living off of the generous hearts of so many.  I bet you didn't know that.  I am willing to bet that you did not realize that each donation that has been made has truly been helping my family.  From the mortgage, to counseling, to those gallons of milk, I truly don't know where we would've been without your generosity.

The community of which my husband served, the community in which we live, and the town of which he was serving at the time of his death, each held fundraiser after fundraiser to help our little family as a way to honor my husband.  Repeatedly I would say, "I can't believe it.  I can't believe how nice people are being to us."

Family, friends, and strangers have sent cards, homemade gifts, plaques, statues, patches, pictures, and stories.  I have kept every single thing that has been sent to me, whether directly to my home or to the department's headquarters, I have held onto and cherished all of it.  I have bundles of drawings from children, and invitations to Hero Days at schools that aren't even in my hometown.  I have notes from Girl Scout troops, prayer cards from churches, and letters from dignitaries (even the President).  

You will never know what you have done for my heart.  You have supported me with your words, lifted me up with your kindness, and carried me with your love.

There were many, many nights I spent sitting at my kitchen table poring through hundreds of letters that seemed to make their way to my hands every time my husband's Captain would come to my home.  If I had the address of somebody who sent a card or a note to me, I was sending a thank you card.

I loved writing those cards because with each name I wrote, I smiled and thanked God for the love He was showing to me.  Because here's the truth:  your thoughtfulness, your generosity, your kindness, and your sacrifice were used to deliver God's message to me.  

Five days after losing my husband, I begged God to stay close to me and to speak to me in a way in which I knew He was near.

And then came all of you.

You are an answered prayer.

Thank you for serving my family.  Thank you for loving us, without even knowing us.  Thank you for taking care of us while we try to find our "new normal."  Thank you for being the example of what we should all strive to be.

YOU are the messengers of hope, love, encouragement, strength, and perseverance.  
YOU  turned God's love into something tangible, something real, and something that I can't ignore.
YOU are the light in my moments of darkness.
YOU will forever be imprinted on my heart.

"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God.  Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart." Philippians 1:3-4

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
From the bottom of my grateful heart.

xoxo
[One of the many nights filled with gratitude for you]






Friday, December 30, 2016

Keep Running


I feel like every time I sign on to Facebook (because I'm a terrible news-watcher) I see bad news.  Whether it's the death of someone famous, or the family member of a friend, a beloved pet, or just bad news, I am becoming apprehensive about looking beyond the four walls of my home.

I saw a Facebook post (I told you, I'm a terrible news-watcher) with a listing of all the "bad things" that happened in 2016.  This entire article was based on the negative news that made headlines this past year.  

Looking at this list of all the "bad things" that happened in 2016, I initially thought, "yeah! 2016 can take itself off a cliff!"  I'm currently sitting in my bed, well beyond midnight, having just finished looking through hundreds of photos of my husband...again.  I do this every night.  I miss his ear-to-ear grin, his broad shoulders, and those strong arms that used to hold me.

The wonderful thing about looking through all these photos are the memories that come alive with each picture.  One of two things can happen when I look at these photos:

1) I can look at these photos and smile with each memory.
2) I can look at these photos and curse the fact that it's just a memory.

Several years ago (I won't say how many), my girlfriends and I took a trip to New York.  It was a first for the four of us...no husbands, no kids, nobody but four girls celebrating our 30th birthdays in a city that was new to each of us.  We had the BEST time.  And when I say the BEST time, I mean the.  best. time. EVER.  Four whole days of exploring an incredible city, eating the best food, and creating the most amazing memories (and did I mention no husbands and no kids?).  The trip has made me ache to return to the Big Apple, but it has also made me hesitant because I know that the next time I visit New York it just won't be the same.  How can anything be better than that trip?!  I have spent so much time looking at those photos and reliving that trip in my mind; I know that I will never be able relive or redo that trip.

The most amazing trip EVER
What if you saw me looking through those New York photos, scowling at each picture, and angrily closing the photo book because this trip was so amazing?  What if you heard me say that I'm never going to go back to New York because I know it won't be the same experience?  Would seem a little ridiculous, don't you think?

But how often do we do that when looking back?  How often to we sit in anger or sorrow because we focus on what will never be the same rather than focusing on the incredible things that happened?

Here we are at the end of 2016.  It seems to have been a tough year for many people.  What are you choosing to reflect upon?

It's very easy for me to focus on the last 3 months of 2016.  But if all I focus on is the void in my family, I will forget everything else that I witnessed and experienced this year.  

I witnessed two incredible couples who struggled with fertility welcome two beautiful, healthy baby girls this year.  I watched my daughter overcome her great struggle with anxiety.  I witnessed the answering of bold and specific prayers I laid on God!  I watched the dream between my cousin and I come to fruition with PetuniaDiaries.com.  I went on so many fun dates with my husband!  We had an incredible week-long vacation at the beach!  I watched an entire community come together to love and support my family!  I saw kindness and compassion poured onto my family from people all over the country! 

When I scroll through the thousands (yes, thousands) of photos from this past year, I choose to focus on the smiles.  I choose to remember the laughter.  I choose to view these memories as the gifts that God gave to me because He knew how my year would end.  

My heart will never be the same.  My life will never be the same.  I will never be able to relive those memories or redo those moments.  Like my trip to New York, nothing will ever compare.  

So does that mean I'll never revisit New York?  Does that mean I stay focused on the heartache living in my heart?  Does that mean I shouldn't look forward?

It most certainly does not.  

"... But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

Is Paul suggesting that I forget my beloved?  Is he telling us to just forget those whom we love so dearly and disregard memories?  Not at all!  

Paul's focus was on the goal to complete the race for God, it was the only goal he kept at the forefront of his mind.  Paul's past, his trials, and his difficulties were a part of him and, in my opinion, what made him great.    

When Paul came to know God, he endured many heartbreaking trials - trials that would definitely test my own faith and cause me to wonder why I chose to follow God.  Just a quick peek into some of Paul's suffering: repeated imprisonment, flogging, lashings, beaten with rods, stoned, shipwrecked, continual danger, weary and in pain, sleepless, hungry, thirsty, cold, and naked. (2 Corinthians 11:23-28)  Not only those struggles, but Paul also struggled with a sinful nature, just like the rest of us (Romans 7:15-25).

With everything that Paul endured physically and emotionally, if he stopped for even a moment to focus on his past, he would lose sight of the goal: the crown of victory and the joys of heaven.  How easily would it have been for Paul to look at what he has endured and say, "forget this. I'm done." But he didn't.  He used those hardships and his past to push him towards the goal.

Our past shapes us into who we are meant to be.  Paul doesn't want us to forget our past; he's not suggesting that we live as though nothing ever happened.  But he doesn't want us to stay there.  

Memories are a wonderful thing.  I think God allows our hearts and minds to carry particular moments of time with us always.  I love to look back on the memories made with my husband; I love to revisit those memories made in New York with my girlfriends.  God wants us to have those memories.  But He does not want us to live there.

When we stay focused on our trials, our heartache, and our sufferings, all we see are the things that cause us to stumble and fall.  It's impossible to run towards the goal while continually looking behind.

Have you ever watched the Olympic runners during a race?  They are focused.  They are looking for that finish line.  They have imaginary horse-blinders on and they don't dare lose focus on what's in front of them.  One look to the left, and they will stumble.  One look to the right, and they will lose focus.  One glance behind them and they will fall.  

2016 may have been a difficult year for you.  You may feel the temptation to focus on all the hurtful things that took place.  Don't look to the left of you.  Don't look to the right of you.  Don't look behind you.  In the forefront of your mind look at the wonderful things that happened (I can promise there are good things that happened this year), and focus on the goal set before you.  I'm not talking about resolutions (I never make those because I fail every time).

I'm talking about the goal God placed in your sight.  The crown of victory.  The promise of heaven.  The gift of your salvation.  

The hardships endured in 2016 are shaping you into the person God designed you to be.
You are an athlete for God!  You are running the race!  Keep your focus on the prize set before you!
Be like Paul - let the trials push you forward.  Don't let the hardships hold you back.   

You have cheerleaders all around you. You have a God who is pushing you forward.  You have angels carrying your feet.  Go ahead and glance back when you need the reminder that you can conquer anything.  Glance back when you need to see how far you have come.

Glance.  Don't focus.  Don't stare.  Don't stop.  
Push forward.  Finish the race.
I am running with you.

"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me.  Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward - to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back." (Philippians 3:12-14; the Message translation)

May 2017 strengthen your faith, build your character, and bring God the glory He deserves!

xoxo
From us to you, Happy New Year!









Thursday, November 17, 2016

Fearfully Faithful

The last time the four of us were together, the day before his funeral.

It's been eight weeks since my world drastically changed.  While everything is still surreal, and there are moments when I almost forget the truth of this reality, there is something that I know to be true...

I am not who I was eight weeks and one day ago.

Eight weeks and one day ago, I was carefree and focused on upcoming events for our family: our daughter's 13th birthday, his mother's 60th birthday weekend celebration, planning our trip to Hawaii next spring, and mapping out our Christmas budget.

Eight weeks and one day ago, my time with God was filled with bold prayers and a hopeful heart; I was in the midst of a 6 month fast (that was one of many blog posts I was writing...I'll get back to that one day) and saw the ways in which God was answering those bold prayers.

Eight weeks and one day ago, I was a completely different person.
Because eight weeks ago everything about me changed.

I have felt many emotions during these last 56 days.  I have had days when I can physically feel the aching of my heart.  I have had moments of overwhelming fear about living this life without my husband.  I have had bursts of tears simply because I miss his voice.  I have also had moments when I feel complete peace, and moments of joyful hope.  But there is one emotion I have not felt: anger.  In all of this, I have not felt any anger.

Because I'm not angry.

When talking to others, some have expressed to me that there are many mornings when they wake up feeling angry, and that anger carries into the rest of their day and unintentionally attacks those with whom they interact.

Am I hurt and upset?  More than I can explain.
But angry?  Not at all.

So what's the difference between me and those who wake up angry?  God.

I'm not gonna lie, I believe I have every reason to be angry. Why was my husband taken from me at such a young age?  Why do my young children have to grow up without their father?  Everything was going so good for us, why now?  I could walk around angry all day long and who would blame me?  I have a valid reason to be angry.

But I'm not.
Because I have God.

Eight weeks and one day ago, I walked next to God.
But eight weeks ago began my journey of clinging onto God.



Have you heard this quote before?  I have.  Several times.  And it's a favorite of mine to repeat when I am reminding others about reliance on God.  

It's the absolute truth:  "you never know God is all you need until God is all you have."  

Each of us, at some point in our lives, will have trials that demand complete dependency on God.  It could be a battle for health, the loss of a job, an estranged relationship, anything!  Trials and heartache are not prejudice.  We will all experience a trial that will leave us standing still and wondering why we have to endure hardship.  

Trials are the test of your faith.  The test of your heart.  The test of your reliance on God.

One of the hardest things for me to do is watch my children suffer.  I want to immediately fix everything.  I want to come to their rescue, make their life easy, and keep them from ever hurting.  

But what would happen to them if I never let them hurt?  
They would never mature.  They would never grow.  They would never learn to persevere.

"We are full of joy even when we suffer. We know that our suffering gives us the strength to go on. The strength to go on produces character.  Character produces hope. And hope will never bring us shame. That's because God's love has been poured into our hearts. This happened through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5 (NIRV)

There is a purpose behind every trial we endure.  And it's not because our God is "mean."  He's the exact opposite.  We serve a God who weeps with us; a God who wraps us in His comfort; a God who wants to give us every desire within our hearts.  

When my children are hurting, I do my best to comfort them and ease their heavy hearts.  But I don't rush to fix their problems.  I believe in each of them.  I know what they can and cannot handle.  I have faith in my children, and I rejoice over them when they persevere through difficulty.

God feels the same way about each of us.
He doesn't allow trials because he us wants to suffer.  He wants to see us grow.
He wants to see us persevere.  
He has so much faith in us!

And like the perfect Father that He is, He allows us to experience heartache.
Without the heartache, would we cling to Him?  Or would we just casually walk beside Him?
Without the trials, would we ever cry out to Him?  Or would we go days without seeking Him?

I am not the same person I was eight weeks and one day ago.
I am different.
I am clinging on to God tighter than ever before.
My entire being is completely reliant on God.
I've acknowledged out loud that I cannot do this without Him.
My prayers are not rehearsed. My prayers change everyday. I cry out to Him more times in an hour than I used to all day long.

You know what I am now?
I am fearfully faithful.

I am not fearful of God.
I am fearful of going a day without Him.

I remember asking a girlfriend, "if God was all you had, would that be enough?"
And now here I am, asking myself the same question every day.

God is all I need.  I have wept loudly, quietly, and honestly with God.  I have asked Him why.  I have collapsed into His comfort, and I have allowed Him to quiet my tears.  

I am not who I was eight weeks and one day ago.
And I am thankful that I am not.
I am a witness to God's strength, His love, His comfort, and His promises.
When we cling onto God, it's impossible to be angry because as we hold onto Him, we are covered in His love and His hope.

Therefore, I will walk through this trial, clinging onto God for strength, and holding onto His promises.
For He is the perfect Father.
And like a daughter dependent on her father, I trust Him.

xoxo