Today was one of those days. I felt defeated. I felt unloved. I felt sad. I felt weak. I wished that God was tangible and I could just curl up in His protection and cry.
I imagined sitting next to God. I let my imagination soar and pictured the two of us sitting on one of those large porch swings, beneath a tree, the bright green and fresh grass tickling the bottom of my feet with each swinging motion. I imagined talking to Him, telling Him about my broken heart, as tears filled my eyes. We just sat there, He and I, on the swing. I spoke, He listened. I imagined the way it would feel to be able to curl up next to Him, my perfect Father, and feel the love He has for me. I asked God to help me not to rely on the words, the approval and the acceptance of others. I asked God to help me feel His love and the ability to see myself in His eyes. I asked God to fill me up with His love and His acceptance. And the rest of my prayer was without words, just tears.
I hope I'm not the only woman who goes through these moments of doubting my self-worth. Despite the possibility that there must be other women out there who have felt this way before, the feeling can leave us to believe that we are completely alone. And that's exactly what our enemy wants us to feel. He wants us to believe that our value is at zero and we are alone on the battlefield. Why? Because then our faith is not strong and his power over us is strengthened. But we are never alone.
Call me crazy or weird (I can be both at times), but allowing myself to just cry and imagining myself wrapped safely in God's protection greatly eased my heart. Before I knew it, my sobs quieted, my eyes stopped producing tears, my breathing slowed and I felt myself falling asleep. It was like God let me get it out and then hushed me, much like we do with children. Think about it: when a child is hurt, they're crying loudly, they're difficult to console, and no matter what we say, it doesn't take away their hurt. But when we cradle them in our arms, offer to kiss their hurts and just let them cry it out, their sobbing slowly ceases, they are no longer loud and their body begins to relax. Why? Because we made them feel safe, loved and protected.
Just like our God. He is the perfect Father. His heart breaks each time he sees us hurting. He knows what is going on in your world. He hears the hurtful words said to you, He witnesses the unjust actions against you, He watches as you try to get through each day. And He's waiting for you to come to Him with your concerns, your worries, your fears and your broken heart. And just like you open your arms for a hurt child, He's doing the same for you.
If you've had a rough day, a rough week or even a rough month (that was me), you have the ultimate comfort waiting for you with open arms. And it's ok to break down. It's ok to cry. It's ok to tell God that you can't take another step. It's ok. Break down in His comfort. You are not alone in this battle. You have something that many are still searching for: God. And He is ready for you with open arms.
Keep going, sweet sister. Every day is a battle. Every day is a challenge. But every day you have an Almighty God who is ready to comfort, console and love you as a parent loves a child. And that's exactly what you are: His daughter.