Do I Give Enough?

At the beginning of each year, our church hands out boxes of 52 envelopes.  These envelopes are a soft blue color and the date of each Sunday of the year is stamped on the front.  And if that's not easy enough, our church has the ability to set up our weekly contributions online!  I love it!  I used to have my weekly contribution set up online....that is, until I had to start using the envelopes.

Let me start here:

Jesus tells us that it's impossible to worship God and money (Luke 16:13).  Jesus says that we will love one and hate the other, or devote ourselves to one and detest the other.

I love God.  Obviously.  And I like to think of myself as a simple girl; don't get me wrong, I love a fancy pair of shoes and a well-made handbag, but you won't find me out there buying either one.  Several years ago you would've seen me in Nordstrom's with my credit card hot to the touch because I was using it so much, but that lead me to a path of destruction.

My husband is a firefighter and works crazy hard to provide an incredible life for me and our children.  He picks up extra shifts so that I can work part-time, we can take the kids to Disneyland (although not anymore because it's so dang expensive), my son can play year-round baseball, and my daughter can take dance classes, or painting classes, or whatever she's in the mood to try.  His job is not easy, despite what some may think.  He comes home after a 24 hour shift physically and mentally tired.  He may occasionally get a full four days off, but he's not himself until day four, and then he has to go back and do it again.

So, he likes to see where his hard earned money is going and what it is being used for - rightfully so.  He knows God, he acknowledges God, but he doesn't love God...yet.  And he definitely doesn't think we should be giving to God, because he views it as giving to the church, not to God.

This has been a crazy topic in our home and has been the source of many, many arguments.  So......I had a brilliant idea < *cough, cough* > that I would give to God....without telling my husband.  How could I be wrong with that?  I mean, I'm doing my biblical duty, I'm honoring God and all that He has given to me, so how could I be wrong?

For a whole year, I gave my weekly contribution to God through the online service our church provides.  For years before that, I was the only one who handled our finances.  For years before that, I vowed to tithe based on my gross income.  I even increased my tithe when I got a raise.  And every Sunday I felt good watching the collection plate pass my hands knowing that the next morning I would see the deduction from my checking account.  For years, I tricked myself into believing I was doing the right thing.

And then one night we sat down with a couple from church who have been our closest friends for many years.  We were discussing finances (the conversation was going decently well; I was being called out on a lot of sin, but my husband was being given pointers as well), and just when I thought the conversation was over because the four of us were laughing and cleaning up dinner, it quickly turned on me when I said, "well, there is one more thing...."  However, I said this statement with such confidence because I believed my church-going, God-loving friends would sign up on Team Jenn right away.

"Tithe.  I give each week to the church.  [My husband] doesn't know about that.  BUT!  I don't base my tithe off the household income, only mine."  I smiled the whole time I said this.  I was so proud of myself for being so sacrificial with my money.  I couldn't wait to hear them applaud me and tell my husband that it's my duty to give back to God.

That's not what happened.

I was sitting next to my best friend and across from her husband.  Nobody laughed.  Nobody smiled.  In fact, it was dead silent.  The next words spoken were from her husband, "what else, Jenn? What else are you hiding?"  Tears instantly sprang to my eyes.  I was confused.  Where was the Team Jenn flag he was supposed to be waving?  I looked to my best friend.  She wouldn't even look at me.  I started to defend myself, defend my actions, justify that I was doing the right thing.

"My husband doesn't want me to give to the church!  But I have to!  What am I supposed to do?"

For the next several, lengthy, torturous minutes (ok, I'm exaggerating, it wasn't exactly torture), it was explained to me why it was wrong.

It's never wrong to give to God.  Ever.  Let's clarify that.

The wrong was in my deceit.  My husband had no idea I was giving to the church.  On the occasional Sundays that he would join me, he never asked me about contribution because he didn't know that we could give our contribution online.  He assumed that I didn't give to the church...and I let him assume that.

Aside from deceit, without realizing it, I was separating our money.  My husband is so generous.  He works so hard and allows that extra money to go towards something we want to do as a family...or, he puts it towards debt I incurred over years and pays off all our debt.  All that money that he earned as he watched a man die in front of him, as he pulled a lifeless child out of a swimming pool, as he cut apart a car to rescue a young girl, as he risked his life on top of a burning building...all that money that was earned through his emotional sacrifice, he allows to be used as our family needs for "extras" in life.

And yet, I was taking my money and doing what I wanted with it.  Without asking him.  Without telling him.  Because I assumed I was doing the right thing.

The day after we spent time with our friends, we sat down and went through all of our bills and set up a brand new, beautiful budget (that's coming up in a future blog).  There was only one thing missing:  he didn't allow for contribution to the church.  Nowhere in our budget were the words "church" or "God."  I didn't say anything, I wanted to let my husband lead this conversation.

A couple hours later I called my best friend: "I don't know what to do, he didn't allow room for a contribution!  I can't do that!  What am I supposed to do??"  She asked me if I was given an "allowance" in the budget (this is the money that I'm given each week to use however I wish - no questions asked).  My husband budgeted for each of us to have a weekly allowance of $40 (sounds like a lot until you realize how many times you eat out, how many coffees you buy or how long it takes to save for a haircut).

My best friend said to me, "perfect!  So tithe off of your allowance each week!"
Me:  "What?  I can't do that!  Only $4 each week?  Are you kidding me?"
Righteous Bestie:  "Absolutely!  That is yours, God knows you can do anything you want with it - so why not tithe off that?"

I felt so much guilt about the idea of giving only $4 each week to God.  There was no way I could ever live with that.  So, the next night at church I pulled aside the minister's wife.  I explained to her what was going on, how I had been deceiving my husband and my plan to repent, but now I didn't know what to do about tithe.  I told her about my bestie's suggestion and asked for her advice.  She laughed, smiled, hugged me so tightly and said, "I think that's a great idea."  I must have looked at her like she was crazy because she laughed again and followed it up with the most beautiful reminder, "God isn't worried about how much you give from your wallet, He's only concerned about how much you give from your heart."  I felt instant relief pouring over my shoulders.

She reminded me that God loves a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7), not necessarily a rich giver.  She said, "God is more fired up about the fact that your heart is aching to give him more, but you are giving him what you can. You have an allowance that you can use for anything you want, but you want to make sure you give to God.  That's awesome!  That's what He wants!  You can revisit the topic of contribution with your husband later, but for now, I think giving from your allowance is an awesome idea."

That night I church, I went to the table and asked for a box of envelopes.  There was something about the way that box felt in my hands.  Suddenly I realized that it truly was in my heart to give to God.  I didn't think of it as a duty or a bill I had to pay.

I wanted to give to Him because I love Him.  Because I'm grateful for all that He has given to me.  And that was all that mattered.

"As Jesus looked up, he saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury.  He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins.  'Truly I tell you,' he said, 'this poor widow has put in more than all the others.  All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.' Luke 21:1-4

It's not about the dollar amount.  It's all about the heart.

My husband knows that I give to God each week.

What he doesn't know is that every week, as I write my name on the outside of that envelope, and place four $1 bills inside, I thank him for allowing me the opportunity to give to God with my heart.

My husband, without meaning to, has taught me a lesson about giving to God...he taught me to have the heart of the widow.

xoxo

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Everyday of Her Life

In my last blog post I shared about my grandfather's recent passing and the way in which he inspired me to "get up and go back in" when it came to sharing my faith with others.

His memorial service was a touching experience.  We watched as the Marine Honor Guard presented a flag to my grandmother; we cried, smiled and laughed as photos of him flashed on a screen in front of us, and we beamed with pride as the pastor described my grandfather as being a true man of God.  It was a beautiful day.

That evening my grandmother called me into the hallway near the bedroom of her home.  For several moments, we stood embraced in each other's arms as we cried and talked about my grandfather.  Many things were said, but something that has stayed with me since leaving her that night was when she said, "I knew he loved me every day of my life. And that's what makes it so hard."

Now, I've been known to be somewhat of a romantic, and for those who know me, it is known that "words of affirmation" is my primary love language (by the way, if you haven't read "The 5 Love Languages," by Gary Chapman, please read it - it's amazing), so hearing my grandmother say this spoke so loudly to me.  My grandfather was not a soft, squishy "grandpa" type, but when he and I went on dinner dates together, he would speak so highly of my grandmother and I could see how much he valued her.  And anyone who spent any length of time with them could always catch a glimpse of Grandad giving Grandma a little pat on the tush every now and then, too.  Bottom line, we knew he loved her every day of her life, as well.

My grandmother knew, with confidence, that my grandfather loved her every day of her life.

I got to thinking: could my husband say that about me?  Could my husband confidently say, "I knew she loved me every day of my life?"

My grandparents were married for almost 66 years at the time of his passing.  I know there is not a marriage out there than can span six decades in complete bliss. He didn't write love poems every day, or recite sonnets regularly.  I know they endured hardships, trials and arguments - after all, what marriage doesn't?  But every night, my grandfather fell asleep holding her.  Every day he loaded and unloaded the dishwasher for her.  He took care of their finances.  He provided their lifestyle. He spoke love to her with his actions, and she recognized his love for her.

In order for my grandmother to be able to say that she knew my grandfather loved her, that required two things to happen:

1)  He was diligent about speaking love to her with his actions.
2)  She was able to recognize it.

They both had a part in my grandmother's statement.  My grandfather had to act on his love for her, and she had to be able to see love in his actions.

I once saw a picture on Pinterest (my favorite website ever) that read, "There are a million ways to say I love you...'buckle your seatbelt,' 'watch your step,' 'get some rest,'...you just have to listen."  Isn't that the truth?  I have no problem yelling at my kids (for the millionth time) to put on their helmets, and every time they roll their eyes, which prompts me to say, "why do Daddy and I have rules?" To which they reply in a monotone voice, "to keep us safe."  Bingo!  In other words: because we love you, we want to protect you.

Like our kids, who misinterpret our display of love, we can often misinterpret our husband's love for us.  We may claim to feel that our husbands don't love us because they aren't showing us love the way we think we should receive it.  But the reality is that they love us more than anything in the world, we're just not recognizing their "love language."

Because my primary love language is "words of affirmation," I feel the most loved when someone speaks lovingly to me or about me.  I cherish notes and cards; I even cherish text messages and voicemails! Anything that involves words will speak loudly to me...which is both a good thing and a bad thing.  I can be lifted up or torn down with a simple sentence.

"Words of affirmation" is definitely not my husband's love language.  His love language is "acts of service," which means that he feels the most loved when I do something of service to him (for example, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, etc).  For my husband, when he comes home from work to see his hamper is empty and all his clothes are clean, it's as though I covered his closet with love bubbles and confetti hearts.  But when he has come home to find the clean dishes still in the dishwasher, he translates that as I don't care enough about him to take care of him.

Ok, are you thinking what I first thought when discovering his love language?  "Typical man. Wants things done for him and all I'm asking for is a love note."  Here's the thing:  my husband will spend his days off working around the house, fixing things that need to be done...because he loves me.  I've come home from work and he is beaming with excitement to show me the light he put in my closet.  Because his love language is "acts of service," he shows me love by the things he does for me - as he "serves" me.

But I have to recognize it.

Sure, anybody can look at that and say, "well, yeah! He should be doing things like that! He's a man! He's a provider! That's his nature!"  But not every man is like that.  Some men don't know how to install new light fixtures or electrical boxes, and that's ok. I can promise that they have different love languages.

Clearly you can see that I am wordy person.  I can take 20 pages and tell my husband all the things I love about him.  I can find the most perfect card and write a deeply heartfelt note inside...and even though I know he greatly appreciates it, he is more impacted by knowing I took care of something in the house so he didn't have to do it.

Here's how the translation looks:

"Jennifer took care of the car today = she did that so I wouldn't have to = she loves me and cares about me."

"Ryan sent me a text and used the heart emoji = he's thinking about me = he loves me and cares about me."

I'm speaking words, he's speaking service.  I'm not always going to speak his language, and he is not always going to speak mine.  But we have to be able to recognize when we are translating our love to each other.

Getting back to my grandparents, my grandmother had to do her part to be able to confidently say that she knew she was loved every day, and my grandfather had to do his part in showing his love for her daily.

How about you?  Could your husband confidently say that you loved him every day of his life?  Are you speaking his love language?  And do you recognize when he is showing love to you?

I'm still learning how to recognize our different love languages...it's something that makes me wish I had a pocket translator.

But, if someone were to ask me today, I can confidently say that despite our hard days, I know that my husband has loved me every day of my life...because I can recognize his love.

Your language may be different than your husband's, and most likely it is, but like any foreign language, if you learn to speak it, and learn to listen to it, you will see how very loved you are.

Every day of your life.

xoxo

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Window to His Love

Not to brag, but this is the view from my bedroom window. This view is the reason my husband and I put all of our pennies towards buying our house. 

Imagine covering up this window.  And not with sheer curtains that still let you peek through to see the evening sky, but with dark, heavy, dust covered curtains that were purchased back in 1963. What a waste of a window if we kept it covered all the time. We would be missing out on seeing God.

Our hearts and our lives are like my bedroom window. There is so much beauty to be seen, but only if the curtains are pulled back so that God’s handiwork can be admired.

Sisters, we are the window to God’s love.  Every day, we encounter people who are admiring the view (girl, I know you’re pretty, but that’s not the view I’m talking about). 

Can they see God’s handiwork?  Or is it covered by dark, heavy curtains?

Each morning we when wake up to begin a new day, we start with a window that has been opened for us. Throughout the day we are the ones that determine what others will see.  

Let’s take a second to look at that picture above.

It’s beautiful. There is so much to see. The color of the sky, the shape of the clouds, the sun’s rays shining through. I can look at that picture and see God’s handiwork. I don’t need to hear anything to know that God created that beautiful scene. I’m sure there were birds chirping and possibly the rustle of a gentle breeze. But even then, those sounds would be beautiful. 

That is how God wants to be represented by each of us.  The view of His handiwork in us should look like kind hearts and joyful living. People should be able to see His spirit in our actions and our love for others. The sounds our observers hear should match the gentleness of birds chirping or the low rustle of leaves of a tree.  Our words should be soft to the ear and soothing to the soul.

We are the window to God’s love. What do others view in you?

It’s easy to take something as beautiful as that view from my bedroom window and cover it was dark, heavy shades.  The same principal holds true with the view of our lives. A bad day at work, someone cut you off on the freeway, your dinner burned in the oven, you can’t find your keys, your dog ate your shoe…anything can happen throughout the day that has the potential to draw the curtains over God’s spirit in us.

Each day we rise with a beautiful view of God’s spirit in our hearts. By choosing how we live and respond to situations, we are determining the view that others see. 

I keep my bedroom window curtains open from sun up to sun down. The view is just too beautiful and I am anxious to see God’s beauty because it’s different every day. He surprises me with variations of color and winds that move the clouds. It would be a shame to cover my bedroom window because I am the one who is missing out on His beauty.

Be the window to God’s love. Let the world view His spirit in you. As people move throughout the day, let them interact with the most beautiful of God’s creations: you.

Within your soul is the most beautiful view. You are the most gorgeous sunset. You are the gentleness of a cool breeze. You are the promise of new day filled with hope.

You are God’s handiwork, and He wants everyone to see what He has made.

xoxo

(This article was originally written by Jennifer Osler and featured as a guest blog post on GirlfriendsPray.org)

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5 Things Not to Say to Your Husband

Please allow me to first say that I came up with this list of things not to say to your husband because I have said them all to my husband.

Here's what not to say to your beloved unbeliever:

1. "You should pray about it."

Yes. This is the answer to every conflict we encounter in our lives. You know that, I know that, even our husbands know that. But for our sweet unbelieving husbands, this is not the answer to their conflict. Men are natural born thinkers, and logic is sometimes the only answer they can accept. The act of prayer is a very vulnerable and very intimate thing. We pour our hearts, our hopes, our requests, our dreams, and our heartbreak to a God we cannot see or hear. We cry out seeking answers, yet the answer may not come right away. There is a lot of trust involved with prayer. And for a man who struggles with believing, let alone trusting, God, the idea of prayer may be extremely difficult.

Even Christian husbands may struggle with this answer when they come to you with an exposed heart. 

Say this instead: "I will pray for you." Let him know that you understand and that you hear what is on his heart, but rather than just telling him to pray, you will do it for him. There is something so comforting in knowing that somebody is praying for you. And, without giving him a command to do so, you have made him aware that praying is the right answer.

2. "Things happen for a reason"

My husband sees a lot of sad and horrifying things as a firefighter. He often comes home and tries to make sense of these things. I usually answered him with, "things happen for a reason." Thirteen years ago he lost his father to a heart attack, and it's still a daily struggle for him. I used to say, "things happen for a reason." Am I right to say that? I am. Of course I know that God has a plan for everything; however, I am able to put trust in that because I trust God. But my husband doesn't trust God yet. To my husband, when I say "things happen for a reason," it feels like I am brushing off his feelings, like "eh, things happen."

Our husbands are exposed to bad news every day. News broadcasts are filled with stories of daily heartbreak and evil. Our husbands, if they do not know God, may interpret our statement as cliche, something church-goers say to make themselves feel better about the bad things that happen. Your husband doesn't have trust in God or His plan like you do.

Say this instead: "I wish I knew why these things happen." It's true. We wish we knew. We wish we had some insight into God's plan. But we don't, and we aren't supposed to know. God tells us that our thoughts are not his thoughts, neither are our ways his ways (Isaiah 55:8). We aren't supposed to know. But sharing this statement with your husband allows him to see that you are trying to understand why things happen, it's not just him.

3. "Everyone was looking for you!"

Your husband wasn't at church, again. Some of the guys were asking about your husband: "where's your man? He still doesn't want to come out? How's he doing? Tell him I said hello." I find it so encouraging when someone asks me about my husband. It lets me know that they look forward to seeing him and that they are hoping (like me) that one day he will come to church. Well, this phrase is not exactly encouraging to a husband who doesn't regularly attend church. It sounds like we took attendance and everyone turned around to notice that he wasn't there...again. 

Say this instead: "[friend's name] asked how you've been doing, he said to say hello." Who doesn't love to know that someone asked about our wellbeing? It makes us feel loved...and who doesn't love that? 

4. "I assumed you wouldn't want to go"

Yikes. There was an event at church which I assumed my husband would not want to attend. It was being held on a Saturday night and was a banquet style dinner. I figured, "it's still church, he won't want to go."  So I didn't pay for him to attend. I was wrong. And he was so hurt that I didn't even think to ask him whether or not he would like to attend. I'm pretty sure I had that deer in the headlights look on my face because I was so confused. "I assumed you wouldn't want to go," I sheepishly admitted. 

General rule of thumb: don't ever assume. Anything. Ever. By assuming he doesn't want to attend church or a special event, it makes him feel as though you could care less whether or not he joined you. And, as I was told by my husband, it made him feel as though I didn't have a need for him, in addition to not feeling cosidered. 

Say this instead: "honey, I was wondering if you would like to join me..." Approaching him with this gentle consideration will make him feel loved, respected and wanted. Of course you want your husband to be with you, whether it's church or a social event. If you assume that his answer will automatically be "no," you miss out on the chance that he might say "yes." 

5. "God comes first"

As He should. But your husband doesn't understand that. The only thing he sees is someone (or something) taking over his spot in your life. Your husband wants to be your #1 priority. He doesn't want to share you or your time with anyone else. He wants all of your heart, all of your attention and all of your admiration. He doesn't understand that by keeping God as priority you will ultimately be making your husband your top priority, as well.

I am a much better wife when I am connected to God. I wouldn't call myself the best wife, but I'm definitely a much-improved version when I'm close to God. My husband used to tempt me with promised shopping sprees after breakfast...if I didn't go to church. He used to get angry as I would get ready for church, making snide comments and withholding love from me. I used to fight back and say things like "God comes first" with total attitude. With that remark, my husband began to build resentment towards God and church.

Say this instead: "I am a better wife when I'm close to God." Amen - your husband will be like, 'honey, let me walk you to the car, don't forget your bible!' There is a big difference in saying "God comes first" (he hears "you are not as important") and "I want to be a better wife for you" (he feels important). Our men don't yet understand that by keeping God our top priority we are called higher as women, as wives, as mothers, as sisters, daughters and friends. Helping him to understand one of the reasons God needs to be number one in your life is to be a better wife for him will help him appreciate God and what God is doing in both of your lives.

___________________________

I've said enough of the wrong things to make a list of the top 100 things not to say to your husband. Our words need to be filled with the love, respect and patience for our husbands. They may know about God, but they only see Him through us.

In other words, use the right words.

Xoxo

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Deep Waters

What do you do when your sin is bigger than you?

What do you do when your sin is against your husband?

What do you do when your husband is not a believer?

Do you beat yourself up time and time again? Do you tell yourself that you aren't worthy of grace or forgiveness? Do you make yourself believe that you are now alone? Do you convince yourself that your husband will never become a Christian because of you?

If you do, you're in company because I just described me. 

The entire story behind my bigger than life sin is long and lengthy, filled with years of sin, years of tried repentance and months of repetitive offenses. I've cried enough to solve the drought problem in California. I've entertained depression, I've shut down, and I've told myself I'm not worthy of love. 

And as if that weren't bad enough, it was a sin that directly affected my husband. My husband who looks to me for Christ like examples was the one having to repeatedly show me Christ like grace. 

I know you're wondering, "what the heck did she do??" I did not have an affair, there is nobody else involved. But what I did is equally as damaging to a marriage.  I was heavily buried in financial deceit.  Like anything that remains hidden from truth, it didn't start off big, but it snowballed and grew until it avalanched and came crashing down.

All while I'm claiming to be a woman of faith. 

And my husband knew that.

What picture did I paint for my husband? A perfect hypocrite. Say one thing, but do another. How can that be inspirational or lead my husband towards God?  It can't. And it won't. 

As wives, spiritually single or not, integrity and follow through are two of the most important things we can offer to our husbands, which are results of loving and respecting our husbands daily.

When my sin was revealed to my husband, he immediately did not feel loved, and he definitely did not feel respected. He was faced with knowing that his wife had been deliberately deceiving him for a long time. And aside from the shock of being made aware that there was financial sin happening, his heart and his mind then wandered towards, "if you lied to me about this, what else are you capable of? Would you cheat on me?"  Of course, I know in my heart I would never even dare to entertain that thought, but you know what? By hiding sin from him, I proved to him that I am, in fact, capable of doing something like that.

Is there something in your life that you are keeping from your husband? Does he know the truth about everything? Are there "little white lies" that you assume will do no harm? 

My "little white lies," which I (wrongfully) justified as "keeping peace and not wanting to cause a ripple in our daily living," were not filled with malicious intent. My heart hurt, my mind knew I needed to be truthful, but I convinced myself that I was protecting our family. And that's where the enemy wants us to feel safe with our sin. If we can tell ourselves that we're hiding our sin to avoid arguments or keep the house happy, the enemy wins because he has deceived you.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23

God's word doesn't say that some things flow from our hearts, He says that everything flows from it. So what's in your heart? God? Or the enemy? Who takes up the most space?

You may think I'm crazy, you may be saying, "I would never let the enemy in my heart! There's only room for God in there," and I certainly hope that's true...but have you ever told your husband, "oh I've had this for so long," about a blouse you bought just last week? Or "look what I got today, honey! It was on sale," but it wasn't? Maybe it has nothing to do with money. Did you tell your husband that your ex-boyfriend contacted you through social media? Does your husband know that you check his email?  You get the idea...

From the smallest "little white lie" to the outrageous deceit, it's all the same. 

So what do we do about it?

1. Confess

Ugh. Who wants to do that, right? This is the whole thing we were trying to avoid. "I don't want to tell anyone. I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. He's going to be so mad. It's going to ruin everything." 

True, it might ruin that ripple-less home you've been secretly creating, but that conflict-free atmosphere you've been shaping is false. The only thing you've been doing is pretending your sin is ok. 

Here's what I love about God (and what I sometimes don't appreciate)...He gives us the chance to confess our sins. You know those times when you've felt that prompt, "now is the time, tell him," and you ignored it? That was your chance. That was God prompting you to confess. Oh, but you didn't confess? Phew - got out of that one, right? So wrong. God will try again and again. Until one day He will reveal it himself. 

Which would be better for your husband? To hear your words in truth? Or to find out because you couldn't control it?

There is so much relief in the confessing of your sin. Sure, it won't be pretty at first, but once that sin is out, you are instantly closer to God...because our sin is the only thing that can separate us from Him. 

And He wants to rescue us from our sin:

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:8-9

Confess. It will be ok. Let God deliver you from unrighteousness.

2. Seek Advice

"Now I gotta tell someone else about what I did?" Yep. And again, it won't be pretty. It will hurt. If it's a righteous man, woman, or a couple, that you are seeking advice from, it should hurt. Because they will be truthful using God's word and His expectations of us as Christians. 

But that's what is needed. When we are cut to the heart, it allows the opportunity for God and His word to sink deep inside and begin the healing process. 

Seeking advice not only allows us to hear the effects of our sin, but it provides us with someone to guide us back onto the path of righteousness. Accountability is huge. If there is nobody to check in on you, your repentance and your walk with God, how do you really think you'd do? How quickly would you go back to the mindset of "nobody needs to know?" I am willing to bet that you would quickly return to old habits.

This whole journey is not meant to be done alone. Not only can we prosper with accountability, we can have prayer warriors on our side...and we know the power behind prayer. 

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." James 5:16

God doesn't expect you to fight this battle on your own. He instructs us to confess to each other...and look at the reason why: so that we can be healed.

__________________________

Sin is sin. Yours is no different than mine, and mine is no different than yours. Whether we intend it or not, our sin and our choices directly effect our husbands and our families, even if we think we're protecting them. The truth is, by keeping sin hidden, we are exposing them. We are not protecting them at all. We are leaving them wide open....and welcoming the enemy into our home. 

There is healing in confession, power in prayer and comfort in knowing that God is with you every step of the way. He tells us, 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned...For I am The Lord your God...you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you..." Isaiah 43:2-4

You are loved. I am loved. Let the healing begin.

Xoxo

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He knows, but he "no's"

My husband knows exactly how to get under my skin.  He is a firefighter and he sees a lot of bad things happening to seemingly good people. Often, while sitting at the dinner table, he’ll start asking me questions:

 

“So, if your God is so good, why does He let these things happen?”

“If God is in control, why does He create evil people?”

“If God knows everything, why did He let that family cross paths with that drunk driver?”

 

I used to enter battle with my husband over these questions. I strapped on my suit of armor and I went full force defending my God. The only thing it did was create a war within my house and then silence as we went to bed.

 

Finally, I stopped arguing. Now I give him the only answer I am sure of: “I don’t know.” Because I truly don’t know.

 

God tells us: “’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’” (Isaiah 55:8-9)

 

In short: I have no idea why things happen as they do, and I’m not supposed to know. God tells us that we can’t even imagine what He has planned. But I would argue with my husband the justifications behind God’s plan, as though God let me have a peek in His calendar of events.

 

And although I’ve come to the realization that I just simply don’t have an answer, my husband is convinced that he knows “the real God.”

 

The “real” God is not loving. Nor is He forgiving. The “real” God wouldn’t allow bad things to happen. Therefore, the “real” God is nothing but a phony.

 

My husband “no’s” God.

 

The danger in my husband “no-ing” God is that it can create moments of doubt in my own heart. Of course I know that “things happen for a reason,” and when bad things happen it’s all a part of God’s plan, but do I really believe that? How strong is my conviction in what God says about His thoughts and ways?

 

It can be difficult to stay faithful during moments of doubt. Every once in a while, those thoughts slip into our minds: “really, God? Really? Why this? Why now? Don’t you love me? Are you listening to me? Are you even there?”

 

It’s in those moments of doubt that we need to rely heavily, and only, on God’s word. When doubt enters our heart, our enemy finds that foothold and climbs in with the intention to build on the doubt and eventually push God out of our hearts.

 

But if we fill our hearts with God and His promises, there’s no room for the enemy to build.

 

Here are some practicals for staying faithful during moments of doubt:

 

1) Pray.  Seems obvious, right?  In moments of doubt, it can be the most difficult thing to do. But praying and talking to God will bring Him close to us: “The Lord is near to all who call on him,” Psalm 145:17

 

2) Read. Another thing that is difficult to do in times of doubt. But spending time in God’s word reminds you of His love and His promises: “For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does.” Psalm 33:4

 

3) Remember. I know you have seen God work in amazing ways in your life. Even if it’s as simple as hitting every green light when you’re running late to church. He has answered your prayers. Write them down. Write a list of all the ways you have seen God work in your life, from the greatest blessing to the smallest victory. Remind yourself of God’s presence in your life. Being able to recall God’s presence in your life will kick that enemy right out of your heart.

 

4) Be faithful. God is with you. He will never leave you. Your trials and your doubt are meant to bring you closer to God because only He can reassure your heart. Be faithful and trust God.

 

So many people think they know God, when in reality, they only “no” God. Don’t let their doubt dig a foothold for the enemy in your heart. Instead, use their doubt to strengthen God’s presence in your soul!

 

Xoxo

(This article was originally written by Jennifer Osler and was featured as a guest blog post for GirlfriendsPray.org)

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It's impossible...

Those are our hands. My hand and my husband's hand. We were in bed and he was sound asleep, otherwise I'm sure he would've made a comment about me taking a picture of our hands. But the picture of this moment meant something to me. It was gentle, it was soft and it was comfortable. There was no awkward posing or a photographer saying, "now, gently grab ahold of his hand and make it look peaceful." It was natural. It was us. It's our routine. I'm not much of a cuddler, but I like to hold his hand as I fall asleep. 

Have you seen that really cute internet photo with the fun fact about otters?  If not, here it is...if you have seen it, well, here it is again:

I mean, seriously, is that not the cutest thing you've ever seen or heard? They hold hands so they don't drift apart. The one on the left is definitely me: shorter body, little bit round, chin looks like it's obstructing the airway; while the one on the right is representative of my husband: longer, leaner and looks chill, like "I got your hand, honey, you can stretch out and relax."  

But joking aside, how precious is this fact? These cute little critters care for each other so much, they don't want to face the risk of losing one another. 

If you're a parent, you can understand this. If you don't have children, you were once a child and can still understand this. Moms force their children to hold their hands as they walk across the street.  Moms make their children hold onto the shopping cart in the store as they walk up and down aisles. Moms keep a close eye and quick hand nearby while their children play at the park. Why?  Because they don't want their children to drift, run away or get lost. 

Do you protect your husband like that? Do you stay close to him to make sure he doesn't drift? Or do you often let go of his hand?  Do you sometimes think or feel that this life, this marriage, or this whole "love your husband with a gentle and quiet spirit" thing is impossible?  I have.  Many times.  And you know what happens when I get stuck in that mindset? I'm letting go of his hand. I'm allowing him to drift. I'm allowing him to get (or stay) lost. 

LOVE

Regardless of whether or not your husband is a believer, he is your husband.  Regardless of whether or not you like him right now, he is your husband.  And guess what, you're called to love him.  

The bible is God's love story for each of us. He pours out promises and love to each of us...even on our bad behavior days. Even on the days when we push Him away, lose faith in His promises and struggle with trusting His plan, He continues to love. And just to make things clear: we don't deserve His love, even on our best days. I am so grateful for His love. I am so grateful to know that despite mistakes, my bad choices, and my daily shortcomings, I can rely on His love. His hand is always reaching out for mine, I just have to grab for it and let Him lead...because He won't let me drift.

Do we do that for our husbands? We're supposed to...

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34-35

Thanks for putting it out there, Jesus.  I mean, there's really no need for interpretation, right? He doesn't say, "love one another, unless he really makes you mad, then you don't have to." He doesn't say, "love one another, as I have loved you. Except the unconditional part, you don't have to do that." I wish he would've said that, but He didn't. In fact, his words of choice included command and must. Those are not words of polite suggestion. 

We are called to love like Jesus did. Now, I don't know about you, but I could cry with gratitude for the love God has shown to me because I know I am not deserving of it. And yet, He does. That love that moves my heart is the love he says I must share with others. And He doesn't limit the deserving group of receivers to those who treat us well or those who say only nice things to us. Why? Because if He did, then you and I wouldn't be recipients of His love, either. 

We are a very fortunate group of women; we understand the gift of God's love that is graced upon us each day. We recognize His love and we know that there is no greater gift than His grace. But our husband's don't know that, yet. They rely on us to show them God's love. They need us to show them God's grace. 

Imagine taking your husband gently by the hand, as you skip through grassy fields on a beautiful day with sunshine pouring onto the earth; the sun is casting a gorgeous glow on your skin and your every step is as though you're skipping on clouds...you're leading him towards God's love. You're smiling with joy and his curious eyes are watching you...he's wondering why you're so light on your feet, why your smile is effortless and why your eyes are shining. He's allowing you to lead him through these grassy fields because he knows you are leading him somewhere beautiful. 

Suddenly you step on a rock, it's painful and you have to stop. You're crying because it hurts and you don't want to keep going. You let go of his hand.  And because he doesn't know where he's going, he has to stop. You tell him to keep going, but he can't. He's lost and doesn't know how to get there.

Do you get up, grab a hold of his hand and continue to gently lead him? Or do you stop, focus on the pain, and allow him to wander?

Our husbands can't see God without us. We are the visual of God's love that our husbands look towards, even if they don't realize what they're looking at. Our love for them, the kind of love that God calls us to give, is evidence of God's love. Jesus said so! "By this all men will know that you are my disciples..." The unconditional love and grace that we show our husbands stands out to them, they know that when we are able to love them at their worst it's because there is something different about us. They know it's because God's love is in us. 

Loving your husband in the manner that God calls you to love is equivalent to holding his hand, gently guiding him, and keeping him from drifting. The more you show him love, the more you are showing him the true God. 

But it's impossible

I get it. It seems absolutely hopeless. If you're like me, there are days when it seems impossible to like my husband, let alone love him (there are days when I know my husband feels the same towards me). 

I've been there: "it's impossible. I can't do it. I don't have it in me to love like that." 

The good news:

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." - Matthew 17:20

There's a couple things I love about this: the first being, the size comparison. I love the way Jesus takes the smallest seed to represent our faith and the largest, immovable object to represent our obstacle. And yet He tells us that with that small seed we can move a mountain! The other thing I love about this is the confidence of the promise He delivers to us: "nothing will be impossible for you." So guess what. Those couple words we tell ourselves ("it's impossible") are simply not true. It's not impossible. NOTHING is impossible. As long as we have faith the size of a mustard seed. Have you ever seen a mustard seed? 

Yeah, it's so itty bitty. That. That is what Jesus says can moves the largest of large. All we need is that. I'm sure we can muster up some faith of that size. 

So, is it impossible? No. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it take time? Yes. Can it be done? Yes.

God only asks us to love our husbands in the same way He loves us. He doesn't ask us to change their hearts, that's His job. He only asks us to love them and lead them with a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4). 

You don't need to grab your husband's hand with the strength of a gorilla's grip and drag him towards God. 

You need only be an otter. Hold his hand so he doesn't drift. Keep him close to God's love by keeping him close to you. 

Love one an'otter... 

Xoxo

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Lesson learned (or learning)

For a while I joked with one of my best friends that I wasn't going to write as often because each time I would write a post about something, I was immediately tested in that area. I told my girlfriend, "that's it, I'm not writing anymore because every time God is like, 'ok girl, you talk the talk, let's see you walk the walk.'" Yeah, sounds a little comical now, but when you know that impending test is coming, it's not so funny. Kinda like when we pray for God to give us patience. I don't know about you, but I just want God to clothe me in patience...not give me situations to test and try my patience. But, like the Father He is, He is allowing us the tests and trials to build our character. 

I often like to think of trials like this: a teacher doesn't just give you an "A" in the class. You have to study, work, put in the time, and are ultimately tested on your knowledge. If you were just given the "A," what good would it do? You would have no knowledge of the subject nor would you be able to help someone who may look to you for guidance in that subject area. Now, in some cases, like my statistics class in college, sometimes even going through the trials and testing gave me a grade high enough to pass the class, but I still have no clue what the heck I was taught. If someone stuck a statistics problem in front of me right now, I would laugh and shove it aside. I have no clue where to even begin. I would have to go through it all over again....because I didn't learn from the lessons taught. My teacher appreciated my hard work and he knew I wasn't a flake in his class, so when my final grade percentage was two percent shy of a passing grade, he mercifully bumped my percentage up and I passed the class and never have to take a math class again. Can I get an amen?!

Well, much like math, I'm not always the best student when God is trying to teach me something. I try to skate by, skirt around the edges, and hide from the truth. It never works. I'm pretty sure God looks at me and says, "how many times do we have to do this?" That's my guess because it's the same thing I say to my children, "when will you listen to me?" Lessons are hard to learn. Lessons that test your character are especially hard to learn. 

Tonight was one of those nights, which followed another one of these nights yesterday. My husband and I have just been butting heads like two rams on a mountain side. Almost everything one does or says, the other thinks is wrong. And over silly things like when is the best time to carve our pumpkins for Halloween; how many pots of chili do we need to make; we don't have enough chairs to seat everyone; is it that hard to load the dishwasher; how do you forget to put the potatoes in the crockpot with the roast, etc, etc, etc. Just one (or two) of those nights. 

You know what's funny about it? Just today I was telling a girlfriend of mine at work about how she needs to be the one to break the cycle in her marriage. She and her husband are not in the best place, and she came to me for advice. I told her that she has to be the one to make the move towards improving her marriage. She kept saying, "but I don't want to, it's one sided if I do that, he needs to learn and understand. Why should I always have to be the one to change things?"  Ooh and let me tell you, I was full of answers, including: "It's not one-sided, it's breaking the cycle." Once those words left my mouth, I knew I was in for a good test. Because the night before, I knew that this was the answer to the problem in my home, but I skipped that question on the test and plowed through the night like a bull running through the streets of Madrid. 

Let me give you a helpful hint when you are going through one of the many tests of faith you will encounter: the two H's. Humility and humble. I know what you're thinking, "aren't those just two different ways of saying the same thing?" Yes. And out of the entire English language, these are probably the two most difficult words to add to our own vocabulary.

For the last two nights, I've been anything but humble. I've displayed everything but humility. I've sat back and waited for my husband to realize his wrongs and come to me begging for forgiveness. In the meantime, my irritation has grown, multiplied and become something my pride will not allow me to surrender. I'm ugly right now. And I most definitely am not acting as a godly wife. This is where God is trying to teach me a lesson on the two H's. He knows this is equivalent to math for me - I just don't get it. And He insists on repeating the lesson until it clicks. 

Let's look at the perfect example of the two H's: Jesus. If there was ever a man to walk this earth who deserved to be treat like a king, of course it was our Lord. But the entirety of his life, from birth to death, was filed with humility. He could've demanded everyone's respect, he could've called on angels from high, he could've sat comfortably and been served. But instead, he served. The king of kings served. And he served with a humble heart. He said, "...just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28

I don't know about you, but nothing humbles me faster than to see that my Lord, the King of Kings, considers himself a servant. Who am I to think I should be sitting around waiting for my husband to come crawling to me, begging for forgiveness and kiss my ring like a queen who sits on a throne?

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus." Philippians 2:3-5

Do you remember cliff notes, a study guide, when studying or reading a book for a class? It was a helpful summarization aimed to help you better understand a difficult reading. Well, this bit of scripture acts as my cliff notes during times of testing. It's highlighted and underlined in my bible, and my handwriting covers the borders with words like, "imitate Jesus. Put others before me. Ultimate humility." It's my go-to. It's my "check yourself, Jenn, where is your attitude?" And it's God's repeated lesson for me.

We are forever learning. Even Jesus was learning throughout the days of his life here on earth. Each day he was faced with something that would test his faith. He was not immune to God's lessons, he was a student like you and me. He battled through temptations (I would've given in on the first day out in the desert), he battled through the loss of friends and betrayal, he battled fears and sorrow...he was human. And he was the perfect example of the kind of student we need to be. He went through every trial, every test of faith, relying only on God and His promises.

What kind of student are you? Throughout life we are going to be tested. It shapes our character. It helps us grow and mature as Christians. Do you trust the lessons God allows into your life? And don't forget, God is very much a "practice what you preach" kind of teacher. Do you only talk the talk or do you also walk the walk? Our Father is not a mean God who likes to see if you'll sink or swim...He is the perfect Father who wants to see you rise above. Remember what Jesus tells us, "for whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted." Mathew 23:12

Now, if you'll excuse, I have a man downstairs I need to apologize to. 

Xoxo

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Hold up, what'd she say?

I love kids. And sometimes, I love their honesty. Sometimes. I once saw this thing on Pinterest that said, "if a woman says you're ugly, she's jealous. If a man says you're ugly, he's mean. If a kid says you're ugly, you're ugly." Kids are great like that, aren't they? We can always count on them to share embarrassing truths with a stranger.

My kids have said plenty of things to embarrass me over the years, and I'm sure they'll continue to embarrass me in years to come. But there have also been times when the truths that have spilled from their cute little mouths have made me proud and have at times surprised me with the depth of their understanding.

Not long ago my daughter came home after spending some time with a friend, and I could tell that something was bothering her. It didn't take much coaxing for her to share with me that a conversation she had with her friend "really got her fired up." I asked her what the conversation was about and she lowered her head as she told me that it was about me and my husband.

Me: "what was said?"

Cute daughter: "that you and Daddy aren't living right because he's not a Christian."

Whoa. That's not a light topic.

I asked her to tell me more about their conversation. 

Cute daughter: "she said that you can't be married to him because he doesn't go to church. And she said that the bible even says that. She said that something is wrong if Daddy isn't a Christian."

I listened intently as she continued to divulge details of their conversation and I painfully watched her eyes fill with tears. I asked her how she responded to her friend's comments:

Cute daughter: "I told her that I didn't want to talk about it anymore but she kept telling me stuff. I didn't want to argue with her."

Ugh. My initial reaction was to call up the mom and tell her to quit talking about my marriage at their dinner table, but of course, I didn't. Instead, I followed my daughter's example and kept my ugly thoughts to myself. I grabbed my bible, sat down with my daughter and we looked at the only words she needs to believe.

1) "Yoke"

I first showed my daughter the scripture that her friend was most likely referring to when she accused us of living "wrong." It reads:

"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God." 2Corinthians 6:14-16

It's important to know that this book of the bible is a letter written by Paul to the church in Corinth and at this point in time, the church was weak and was struggling with division and spiritual immaturity. Paul was wanting to encourage the faithful believers to stay committed to God's truth as Paul's authority was being challenged and attacked. So who was Paul addressing? A group of spiritually weak believers. And who loves to prowl around weaklings? The enemy. So Paul was warning the believers about the idea of linking up with an unbeliever, especially in areas of partnership. He's not limiting it to emotional or physical relationships, but in business and work relationships as well. 

Do you know what "yoke" means? I didn't know what it meant when I read this for the first time. A yoke is a wooden crosspiece that was placed over the neck of two animals and was attached to a cart or a plow, therefore the animals had to work closely together and where one went, the other had to follow. Knowing this, it's clear to see why Paul would state such a warning...when we are spiritually weak, it's easy for us to be lead astray. Maybe you're single and the temptation of that cute guy is crying out to you, 'oh I want to be yoked to him!' Maybe a business deal will promise you a small fortune, but you have to partner up with an unethical person. Maybe you reconnected with an old friend and they want you to go out, drink and party with them...ya know, revive the partners in crime status. Maybe an outsider is challenging your convictions and wants you to explore a different religion with them. Whatever it is, when we are spiritually weak, pairing up with an unbeliever is never a good idea.

2) "but, my husband..."

So here we are. Married to a non-believer. And Paul said not to get tied up in that! Well, yes. I agree with Paul...if you are already a believer and find yourself wanting to be with an unbeliever, are you willing to leave God to follow a man?

A long while ago, a dear friend of mine was dating one of my best friends. They were both believers and involved in a pure relationship. My best friend, we'll call her Sally, was feeling the temptation of doubt and eventually she walked away from God. My friend, we'll call him Larry, was devastated by her decision to leave God. But he loved her so much, he tried to hold on, hoping it could still work and that she would come back to God. But after some time, Larry realized that it would never work. He said to me, "I was gonna marry her. But, you can't build a house on two different foundations." And, that was the end of their love story. 

So true. It's impossible to build a home on two different foundations. Which is why heeding Paul's warning is important if you are a single woman of faith. Imagine starting off your marriage with such different views! The first year of marriage is difficult enough. 

But then there are cases like mine: married, found God while married, husband thought he wanted God, turns out he doesn't (for now), and now we have to build on two different foundations. And boy can it be a rocky foundation at times. When I married my husband, neither of us were believers. I wasn't exchanging one for the other. I wasn't choosing man over God. I didn't idolize my husband instead of worshipping God. What happened after we married, well, I believe is all part of God's master plan. 

3) "so, is my marriage wrong?"

No way, sister. In fact, Peter addresses the spiritually single woman...which tells us that women married to non-believers has been going on for quite some time, and he didn't condemn them. But rather, he encouraged them:

"Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husband so that if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." 1Peter 3:1-2

How incredible is that. Peter wasn't telling you that your marriage is wrong in God's eyes. He wasn't saying, "nice job picking that one, good luck with that whole unbelieving husband thing." He was doing quite the opposite. He was encouraging us to respect, honor and serve our husbands. He was giving us hope. He was filling our hearts with encouragement. He was not telling us that we are living wrong.

Spiritually single women have obviously had a presence in God's church for so long that He wanted to make sure that we were instructed how to love our husbands, even if they're non-believers. 

-----

After talking with my daughter I could see the relief in her eyes. I explained to her my story of finding God after we had been married. I told her that Paul's warning is something to keep close to her heart if she chooses to make Jesus the Lord of her life (God willing she will)...it's always a better idea to start your life with one who shares with you the same love for God. But for those of us who found God after we were married, or even some of us whose husbands were Christians but they walked away from God, our marriages are not wrong. We are not living wrong. We are simply a vessel in God's plan for our lives, as well as the lives of our husbands.

Don't let the words of others try to drown your hope. Remember that God's words are the only words we need to believe. He is 100% supportive of your marriage. He needs you there. He's going to use you in many wonderful ways. Listen to Him...and only to Him. But if you need to hear it from the mouth of a child's pure heart, my daughter will happily tell you, "if God says it's good, then it's good." Ahhh, out of the mouths of babes.

Xoxo

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