Do I Give Enough?

At the beginning of each year, our church hands out boxes of 52 envelopes.  These envelopes are a soft blue color and the date of each Sunday of the year is stamped on the front.  And if that's not easy enough, our church has the ability to set up our weekly contributions online!  I love it!  I used to have my weekly contribution set up online....that is, until I had to start using the envelopes.

Let me start here:

Jesus tells us that it's impossible to worship God and money (Luke 16:13).  Jesus says that we will love one and hate the other, or devote ourselves to one and detest the other.

I love God.  Obviously.  And I like to think of myself as a simple girl; don't get me wrong, I love a fancy pair of shoes and a well-made handbag, but you won't find me out there buying either one.  Several years ago you would've seen me in Nordstrom's with my credit card hot to the touch because I was using it so much, but that lead me to a path of destruction.

My husband is a firefighter and works crazy hard to provide an incredible life for me and our children.  He picks up extra shifts so that I can work part-time, we can take the kids to Disneyland (although not anymore because it's so dang expensive), my son can play year-round baseball, and my daughter can take dance classes, or painting classes, or whatever she's in the mood to try.  His job is not easy, despite what some may think.  He comes home after a 24 hour shift physically and mentally tired.  He may occasionally get a full four days off, but he's not himself until day four, and then he has to go back and do it again.

So, he likes to see where his hard earned money is going and what it is being used for - rightfully so.  He knows God, he acknowledges God, but he doesn't love God...yet.  And he definitely doesn't think we should be giving to God, because he views it as giving to the church, not to God.

This has been a crazy topic in our home and has been the source of many, many arguments.  So......I had a brilliant idea < *cough, cough* > that I would give to God....without telling my husband.  How could I be wrong with that?  I mean, I'm doing my biblical duty, I'm honoring God and all that He has given to me, so how could I be wrong?

For a whole year, I gave my weekly contribution to God through the online service our church provides.  For years before that, I was the only one who handled our finances.  For years before that, I vowed to tithe based on my gross income.  I even increased my tithe when I got a raise.  And every Sunday I felt good watching the collection plate pass my hands knowing that the next morning I would see the deduction from my checking account.  For years, I tricked myself into believing I was doing the right thing.

And then one night we sat down with a couple from church who have been our closest friends for many years.  We were discussing finances (the conversation was going decently well; I was being called out on a lot of sin, but my husband was being given pointers as well), and just when I thought the conversation was over because the four of us were laughing and cleaning up dinner, it quickly turned on me when I said, "well, there is one more thing...."  However, I said this statement with such confidence because I believed my church-going, God-loving friends would sign up on Team Jenn right away.

"Tithe.  I give each week to the church.  [My husband] doesn't know about that.  BUT!  I don't base my tithe off the household income, only mine."  I smiled the whole time I said this.  I was so proud of myself for being so sacrificial with my money.  I couldn't wait to hear them applaud me and tell my husband that it's my duty to give back to God.

That's not what happened.

I was sitting next to my best friend and across from her husband.  Nobody laughed.  Nobody smiled.  In fact, it was dead silent.  The next words spoken were from her husband, "what else, Jenn? What else are you hiding?"  Tears instantly sprang to my eyes.  I was confused.  Where was the Team Jenn flag he was supposed to be waving?  I looked to my best friend.  She wouldn't even look at me.  I started to defend myself, defend my actions, justify that I was doing the right thing.

"My husband doesn't want me to give to the church!  But I have to!  What am I supposed to do?"

For the next several, lengthy, torturous minutes (ok, I'm exaggerating, it wasn't exactly torture), it was explained to me why it was wrong.

It's never wrong to give to God.  Ever.  Let's clarify that.

The wrong was in my deceit.  My husband had no idea I was giving to the church.  On the occasional Sundays that he would join me, he never asked me about contribution because he didn't know that we could give our contribution online.  He assumed that I didn't give to the church...and I let him assume that.

Aside from deceit, without realizing it, I was separating our money.  My husband is so generous.  He works so hard and allows that extra money to go towards something we want to do as a family...or, he puts it towards debt I incurred over years and pays off all our debt.  All that money that he earned as he watched a man die in front of him, as he pulled a lifeless child out of a swimming pool, as he cut apart a car to rescue a young girl, as he risked his life on top of a burning building...all that money that was earned through his emotional sacrifice, he allows to be used as our family needs for "extras" in life.

And yet, I was taking my money and doing what I wanted with it.  Without asking him.  Without telling him.  Because I assumed I was doing the right thing.

The day after we spent time with our friends, we sat down and went through all of our bills and set up a brand new, beautiful budget (that's coming up in a future blog).  There was only one thing missing:  he didn't allow for contribution to the church.  Nowhere in our budget were the words "church" or "God."  I didn't say anything, I wanted to let my husband lead this conversation.

A couple hours later I called my best friend: "I don't know what to do, he didn't allow room for a contribution!  I can't do that!  What am I supposed to do??"  She asked me if I was given an "allowance" in the budget (this is the money that I'm given each week to use however I wish - no questions asked).  My husband budgeted for each of us to have a weekly allowance of $40 (sounds like a lot until you realize how many times you eat out, how many coffees you buy or how long it takes to save for a haircut).

My best friend said to me, "perfect!  So tithe off of your allowance each week!"
Me:  "What?  I can't do that!  Only $4 each week?  Are you kidding me?"
Righteous Bestie:  "Absolutely!  That is yours, God knows you can do anything you want with it - so why not tithe off that?"

I felt so much guilt about the idea of giving only $4 each week to God.  There was no way I could ever live with that.  So, the next night at church I pulled aside the minister's wife.  I explained to her what was going on, how I had been deceiving my husband and my plan to repent, but now I didn't know what to do about tithe.  I told her about my bestie's suggestion and asked for her advice.  She laughed, smiled, hugged me so tightly and said, "I think that's a great idea."  I must have looked at her like she was crazy because she laughed again and followed it up with the most beautiful reminder, "God isn't worried about how much you give from your wallet, He's only concerned about how much you give from your heart."  I felt instant relief pouring over my shoulders.

She reminded me that God loves a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7), not necessarily a rich giver.  She said, "God is more fired up about the fact that your heart is aching to give him more, but you are giving him what you can. You have an allowance that you can use for anything you want, but you want to make sure you give to God.  That's awesome!  That's what He wants!  You can revisit the topic of contribution with your husband later, but for now, I think giving from your allowance is an awesome idea."

That night I church, I went to the table and asked for a box of envelopes.  There was something about the way that box felt in my hands.  Suddenly I realized that it truly was in my heart to give to God.  I didn't think of it as a duty or a bill I had to pay.

I wanted to give to Him because I love Him.  Because I'm grateful for all that He has given to me.  And that was all that mattered.

"As Jesus looked up, he saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury.  He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins.  'Truly I tell you,' he said, 'this poor widow has put in more than all the others.  All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.' Luke 21:1-4

It's not about the dollar amount.  It's all about the heart.

My husband knows that I give to God each week.

What he doesn't know is that every week, as I write my name on the outside of that envelope, and place four $1 bills inside, I thank him for allowing me the opportunity to give to God with my heart.

My husband, without meaning to, has taught me a lesson about giving to God...he taught me to have the heart of the widow.

xoxo

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Get Up and Go Back In

I've been staring at a blank page for quite some time now.  Tons of thoughts are running through my head but seem impossible to put on paper.  

Just a few days ago, we were forced to say good-bye to my grandfather, the true patriarch of our family.  He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer only a couple months ago, and already we are suffering the loss of this great man.  

I was privileged to grow up with his presence in my life, whether it was flying down the lake in his fishing boat, or trying to encourage me because I was wearing a very unflattering baby doll dress, or shining up his Cadillac to chauffeur my new husband and I to our hotel after our wedding, Grandad has consistently had a presence in my life.  

My Grandad always exuded strength and confidence; he appeared to be a man whose core couldn't be shaken.  His hugs were strong, and his pats on the back felt like gentle spankings. He was a former Marine. He worked his way to the top of a corporation. He was not only well-liked, but he commanded respect without having to ask for it. I knew that when he spoke, he meant business.  As a young girl, I was convinced that my grandfather didn't have a soft spot anywhere in (or on) his body.  

Growing up, it was common knowledge that Grandad and Grandma went to church every Sunday.  My family would join them on Easter Sunday, and occasionally I would tag along if I happened to be staying with them during summer. My parents did not attend church regularly, so the most I knew about church was that I wasn't allowed to talk, nor was I allowed to have some of the crackers and juice that was being passed around.

And then I became an adult.  And then I became a Christian.  And then, my grandfather opened his soft heart to me. 

A few years back, my children and I went to visit my grandparents.  With two small children in tow, it was difficult to find a quiet moment to spend with my grandparents, but somehow, my grandfather and I stumbled upon an afternoon that allowed the two of us to talk privately.  What began as small talk about the church I was attending, slowly grew into a profound discussion about God, faith, and our job to deliver the truth.

There were two things I saw in my grandfather during that conversation: his conviction, and vulnerability.  

He was deeply convicted about the truth of God's word, as well as the urgency to share truth with those whom he loved the most. But in his boldness was also his vulnerability. He handed me one of several printed packets that were sitting on his desk.  He shared with me that he spent hours poring over his words as he prepared to send these packets to those whom he loved. My grandfather asked me to proofread his work for him. He shared with me his fear of pushing loved ones away because he was daring to be so bold. He asked me to read it carefully, not just for another set of eyes to seek correction, but to make sure he didn't sound unloving or harsh.  In his voice I could hear his fear, but behind the quiver in his tone, was the strength of his faith.  

As I began to read the pages of his packet, I could see the heart he placed in every word. Scripture was quoted, Jesus's words were in red, and every truth, every promise, was laid bare for the recipients to read.

After reading the work of my grandfather's heart, I returned the packet to him as he looked at me with eager eyes.  I could tell he was anxious to know what I thought about his work, but more importantly, what I thought about his need to send these packets out into the world.   

As I left to return home, I could feel a difference in my grandfather's hug.  I'm not sure if the hug was tighter because we connected deeper than we ever had before, or because we had this little secret that had not been exposed yet, but whatever the reason, I knew that his hug was the pivoting moment of our relationship.

I'm not sure whatever happened with those packets.  I know he mailed them out, but to this day, I do not know how they were received.  One thing I do know is that for the next few years following that conversation, my grandfather did not stop speaking the truth.  He got back up and kept going.  

The day after he received his diagnosis, I spent a half hour on the phone with him.  I sat in the parking lot of a supermarket as I listened to him cry...but he wasn't crying about his fate.  What brought him to tears was not the fear of death, but the fear of not seeing his loved ones in heaven one day.  He cried to me that he had spoken truthfully to family members about their destiny and he feared that he hurt them in the process.  Many words were shared between us in those thirty minutes, but as he pulled himself together, he said to me, "if we don't tell them, who will?"  And again, he got back up and kept going.

Tonight has been a night filled with reflection about those two profound conversations I shared with my grandfather.  And as I looked back, admiring his boldness, I was reminded of a story about Paul in the book of Acts.  In Acts, chapter 14, Paul and Barnabas are preaching in Jewish synagogues...talk about a rough audience.  

"At Iconium, Paul and Barnabas went as usual into the Jewish synagogue.  There they spoke so effectively that a great number of Jews and Greek believed.  But the Jews who refused to believe stirred up the Gentiles and poisoned their minds against the brothers.  So, Paul and Barnabas spent considerable time there, speaking boldly for the Lord. ... There was a plot afoot among the Gentiles and Jews, together with their leaders, to mistreat them and stone them.  But they found out about it and fled to the Lycaonian cities of Lystra and Derbe and to the surrounding country, where they continued to preach the good news. ... Then some Jews came from Antioch and Iconium and won the crowds over.  They stoned Paul and dragged him outside the city, thinking he was dead. But after the disciples had gathered around him, he got up and went back into the city." Acts 14:1-20 [emphasis added by me]

A few things that strike me when I read this:

1) "as usual..."  - I love this.  It was so common for Paul to place himself in Jewish synagogues that even scripture records it as being his usual behavior.  That's how frequently Paul was putting himself in, what I imagine could've been, uncomfortable situations to spread God's truth.  Have you ever done that?  My grandfather certainly did when he mailed out those packets....and I'm sure what could be heard was, "as usual, here he is talking about church and God again."

2) "So, ...spent considerable time, speaking boldly for the Lord..." - Paul and Barnabas were being challenged!  I know we've all encountered that before.  What do we do when we are challenged?  Do we give up?  Or do we spend considerable time speaking boldly to our challengers?  

3) "...continued to preach the good news...." - ok, Paul and Barnabas are being threatened, so they decide to let the area cool down a bit, but they don't stop preaching.  Have you ever encountered someone like that?  The discussion about God becomes heated, so you have to walk away for a bit and let it cool down.  But does that discourage you from continuing to share? Do you stop preaching? Or do you let that heart cool down while you travel along and continue to share God's word? 

4) "...won the crowds over...stoned Paul and dragged him outside the city, thinking he was dead..." - That heated heart found some friends and is now traveling in packs to take you down.  I've encountered that before; one person says one thing, who tells another, who tells another, and before you know it, people are accusing you of being judgmental, self-righteous and arrogant.  You are verbally "stoned," with sharp comments being thrown at you to hurt you and make you give up.

5) "...got up and went back into the city..." - Paul had every reason to walk away after being stoned and left for dead.  I don't think anybody would've thought negatively about Paul if scripture read that he got up and left the city.  But he did the exact opposite.  He got up - and went back in.  Do you do that when you've been emotionally "stoned?"  Do you get up and walk away, or do you get up, brush off the hurt, and walk back in?

I am so proud of my grandfather because, like Paul, he got up, brushed off the hurt and walked back into the city.  I know that as he poured his heart out into those packets he waited with an anxious heart.  That was many years ago, and I know that as days, months and years passed, he kept waiting.  He could've allowed the lack of response to discourage him from continuing to share, but he didn't.  He continued to preach.  On the day he was given the news of his diagnosis, he could've thrown in the towel and said, "oh well, I tried."  But instead, he spoke words of truth.  He brushed off the hurt and went back into the city.  Paul had an urgency to share God's truth with the citizens in that city, he didn't let the emotional or physical hurt stop him from talking about God.  

My grandfather had an urgency to share God's truth with those whom he loved the most, and he didn't let the emotional, or physical, hurt stop him from talking about God. He got up and went back in.

I am so proud to be his granddaughter. 
I pray that for all the days of my life I find the courage to be bold enough that scripture could record my sharing as being "usual" of my character.  

Thank you, Grandad, for not letting fear trump truth.  Thank you for getting up and going back in to finish what God desired of you.  Thank you for loving all of us enough to speak with a bold heart for our Lord.  And thank you for showing me what it means to "get up and go back in."

I'll see you again, Grandad...save me a seat.  :)

xoxo

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"But My Teacher Said..."

I am one of those moms. The moms who side with the teacher.

My daughter made it all the way through elementary school without any problems.  She is an excellent student and she loves school.  Kindergarten through 5^th grade was a breeze; I became friends with every one of her teachers. We’re sushi buddies, Facebook friends and concert goers.  And then we entered 6^th grade.  Right away my daughter began enjoying her new teacher, and I wasn’t surprised because she’s liked every teacher she’s ever had.  If she was happy, I was happy.

Then one day she came home, looking somewhat confused.

“Mama, my teacher said that the story of Jonah and the whale is impossible.”

I was thankful that she waited until after I swallowed my iced tea because it would’ve come shooting out of my mouth.  I asked how the topic came up in the classroom, and she told me, “we’re learning about mythology.”

“What else did your teacher say about it?”

“Well, he also said that we weren’t created by some God, but that we were made from one molecule and we evolved. He said that God is a part of mythology.”

Whoa whoa whoa….someone get the principal on the phone.  I was so angry at the teacher for saying something like this to his entire classroom of 11 year old kids.

I had two options:

1)     Get angry and let my daughter know I'm angry.

2)     See this an opportunity to discover her own convictions.

Although the first option was the natural and most appealing at the time, I knew it wasn't the right choice. By getting angry I would only be teaching my daughter that we should get angry with anyone who doesn't agree with our beliefs. Talk about setting her up for severe disappointment because the truth is that she will encounter people like her teacher throughout her lifetime.

So I began our conversation with this: "what do you think to be true?" She bravely gave me an honest answer, "well, some of the stuff in the bible does seem to be, uh, a little farfetched." ("Farfetched," huh? That was definitely a new word from my 11 year old's mouth...wonder where it came from?)

I felt myself beginning to pray before I even realized what I was doing. I needed wisdom and I needed God to use His words because I was pretty sure I would mess it up with words of my own. My daughter and I spent the next hour dissecting God's word and talking about her convictions, not mine.

Here's some practicals for when this happens:

1)     don't get angry. All throughout our lives our faith will be challenged. I'm sure you can think of many instances in which you've encountered a similar situation and there you are, left to come up with answers and defend your beliefs. Anger never helps. It merely translates that if the other person disagrees, we are prepared to enter battle. And that is not something we want to teach our children.

2)     Ask for an honest answer, and be loving when you receive it. My daughter was very honest with me as she shared with me some areas of the bible that were difficult for her to grasp. If we're being honest, there's been a time or two when I've read something and thought, "really?" We all know whose whispers those are in our ears. Doubt = the enemy. He wants us to doubt the validity of God's word. But the truth is that when we have questions, it means that our hearts and our minds are trying to understand God's word and that is never a bad thing! Questions create curiosity and curiosity creates seeking answers, which leads us to deeper studies in God's word. So, amen! Bring on the questions!

3)     When have you seen God work? This was my favorite part of our conversation. I asked my daughter about the times she knew that God was working in her life. "How have you seen God?" Oh man, she came up with an astounding list. Even down to the night her hamster escaped from its cage (sneaky little thing); it had been missing all day long - nobody could find this Houdini of rodents. When I tucked her in that night, we prayed that the hamster would make its way home. Wouldn't you know it - not even 2 seconds after praying, that hamster was just sitting out in the middle of the hallway! Just sitting there like, "oh hey, I've been here the whole time." To my daughter, that was proof of God listening to our prayers. When your child comes to you with doubt, have him/her recall all the ways they have seen God work in their lives or the lives of others.

4)     Pray. God's wisdom is incredible. And He will gladly pour it onto you. All we have to do is ask for it. Don't enter into a conversation like this with your child (or any person seeking answers) without first going to God in prayer.

By the end of our conversation, my daughter realized that her convictions about God were hers. Not mine, not our pastor's, not her friends. Hers. And now she is ready to encounter more people like her teacher because she knows that all she needs to do is go back to God.

I ended our conversation with this little bitty for her to think about..."it takes more faith to believe in nothing than to believe in something." She smiled and said, "he doesn't even realize how faithful he really is."

xoxo

(This article was originally written by Jennifer Osler and featured on GirlfriendsPray.org)

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Broken but Untouched

Today I was broken.  It was just one of those days when I felt about as worthy as gum stuck to my shoe. I felt emotionally challenged and spiritually disconnected.  It was just not a good day.

Over a year ago I walked through an art fair. I had never been to one and it was a day when I was feeling exactly this way: emotionally drained and spiritually exhausted.  The very first booth that I walked by was the booth of a photographer whose work featured old barns, cornfields, and other country sights I just don’t get to see here in southern California. As I was skimming through some of his prints, I was falling in love with all the various colors in each photo.  The photographer approached me and asked if I was enjoying my time at the fair.  I answered that I had never been to an art fair before and that his booth was my first stop.  He began to tell me that he loves to travel across the country, looking for things like these battered barns, and photographing them.  He said, “these old things are run down because nobody needs them anymore, but there is still so much beauty in each one.”  Then he pulled out a photo that had been tucked away in a pile.  He said, “I was driving down the road when I saw this red barn.  I could tell that it had been abandoned for a while. I walked all around it, shooting pictures from various angles and I noticed this! Inside the window is a picture of Jesus. You can see in the picture that someone, kids I’m assuming, was using the barn as target practice, but that painting of Jesus was totally intact. Not a single hole in that painting.  Look! Even the window was part of target practice. But that painting was perfect. I had to photograph it.”  

I held that picture in my hand and before I knew it, I was asking him how much he was asking in price for his work.  I could hear his smile as he said, “That’s the one, huh?”  I didn’t even look up at him, I stared at the photo and said, “this is the one.”  I paid the photographer, I left his booth and looked towards the rest of the booths lined up for the street fair, then I walked to my car and went home.

I found what I was supposed to get.

I will never forget that day because I remember feeling completely broken.  There were many factors that led up to this feeling, but to sum it up: I was broken, and spiritually disconnected. 

I felt like the old barn.  Worn down, abandoned, still standing, but pierced with injury. But inside the heart of the old barn was Jesus. Untouched, still standing, and perfect.  Sometimes it’s so easy to forget who is in the heart of my soul. On the days that I am feeling worn down, abandoned and pierced with injury, there is a perfect love within me.

We all have those days.  Nothing particular needs to happen to cause days when we feel like the old barn.  Sometimes we just feel that way.  Other times there is a specific cause behind our emotional challenge or spiritual disconnect.  No matter the cause, we all have felt those days. Everyone, regardless of sex, age or lifestyle, experiences these days.  Bad days are not prejudice, everyone has them. But not everyone has a perfect love within them to get them through the bad days.

You do.  I do.

As a Christian, we know the go-to scriptures when we’re having a bad day:

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

And many more go-to scriptures that we easily hand out when someone is having a bad day, including ourselves.  They are all incredible scriptures and I am so thankful for each and every one.  I love knowing that God wanted to make sure we knew and understood that He is here for us on our bad days.

But sometimes, those go-to scriptures aren’t enough.  Whether it’s because we know them so well or because it’s the 834th time we’ve heard them, sometimes we read it or say it with the “yeah yeah yeah” kind of attitude.  I know I’m guilty of that.  

That is when we desperately need to talk to God.  When His word is not enough to satisfy our soul, we need to go directly to the author.

The day that I went to the fair was preceded by days when I simply refused to go to God. I couldn’t form words, I couldn’t gather prayer, I just couldn’t go there.  But the beautiful thing about God is that He doesn’t need us to speak.  He knows our hearts so intimately that when the words are difficult to form, He shapes them for us.  God knew what I needed that day.  He knew that I need the visual reminder that He is within me.

And He knows exactly what you need, too.

Like that painting inside the worn, abandoned and injured barn, Jesus is perfect in you. He is untouched, unharmed and standing firm. You and I may be worn on the outside, but His perfect love remains unharmed inside of our hearts.  

Don’t get discouraged when you are feeling emotionally drained and spiritually challenged…you have a perfect painting of love, strength and grace that is standing firm for you.  And even if you can't find the words, He is sitting so close to you, that He hears each thought behind every beat of your heart.  

You need only to be still and listen...

xoxo

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Window to His Love

Not to brag, but this is the view from my bedroom window. This view is the reason my husband and I put all of our pennies towards buying our house. 

Imagine covering up this window.  And not with sheer curtains that still let you peek through to see the evening sky, but with dark, heavy, dust covered curtains that were purchased back in 1963. What a waste of a window if we kept it covered all the time. We would be missing out on seeing God.

Our hearts and our lives are like my bedroom window. There is so much beauty to be seen, but only if the curtains are pulled back so that God’s handiwork can be admired.

Sisters, we are the window to God’s love.  Every day, we encounter people who are admiring the view (girl, I know you’re pretty, but that’s not the view I’m talking about). 

Can they see God’s handiwork?  Or is it covered by dark, heavy curtains?

Each morning we when wake up to begin a new day, we start with a window that has been opened for us. Throughout the day we are the ones that determine what others will see.  

Let’s take a second to look at that picture above.

It’s beautiful. There is so much to see. The color of the sky, the shape of the clouds, the sun’s rays shining through. I can look at that picture and see God’s handiwork. I don’t need to hear anything to know that God created that beautiful scene. I’m sure there were birds chirping and possibly the rustle of a gentle breeze. But even then, those sounds would be beautiful. 

That is how God wants to be represented by each of us.  The view of His handiwork in us should look like kind hearts and joyful living. People should be able to see His spirit in our actions and our love for others. The sounds our observers hear should match the gentleness of birds chirping or the low rustle of leaves of a tree.  Our words should be soft to the ear and soothing to the soul.

We are the window to God’s love. What do others view in you?

It’s easy to take something as beautiful as that view from my bedroom window and cover it was dark, heavy shades.  The same principal holds true with the view of our lives. A bad day at work, someone cut you off on the freeway, your dinner burned in the oven, you can’t find your keys, your dog ate your shoe…anything can happen throughout the day that has the potential to draw the curtains over God’s spirit in us.

Each day we rise with a beautiful view of God’s spirit in our hearts. By choosing how we live and respond to situations, we are determining the view that others see. 

I keep my bedroom window curtains open from sun up to sun down. The view is just too beautiful and I am anxious to see God’s beauty because it’s different every day. He surprises me with variations of color and winds that move the clouds. It would be a shame to cover my bedroom window because I am the one who is missing out on His beauty.

Be the window to God’s love. Let the world view His spirit in you. As people move throughout the day, let them interact with the most beautiful of God’s creations: you.

Within your soul is the most beautiful view. You are the most gorgeous sunset. You are the gentleness of a cool breeze. You are the promise of new day filled with hope.

You are God’s handiwork, and He wants everyone to see what He has made.

xoxo

(This article was originally written by Jennifer Osler and featured as a guest blog post on GirlfriendsPray.org)

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5 Things Not to Say to Your Husband

Please allow me to first say that I came up with this list of things not to say to your husband because I have said them all to my husband.

Here's what not to say to your beloved unbeliever:

1. "You should pray about it."

Yes. This is the answer to every conflict we encounter in our lives. You know that, I know that, even our husbands know that. But for our sweet unbelieving husbands, this is not the answer to their conflict. Men are natural born thinkers, and logic is sometimes the only answer they can accept. The act of prayer is a very vulnerable and very intimate thing. We pour our hearts, our hopes, our requests, our dreams, and our heartbreak to a God we cannot see or hear. We cry out seeking answers, yet the answer may not come right away. There is a lot of trust involved with prayer. And for a man who struggles with believing, let alone trusting, God, the idea of prayer may be extremely difficult.

Even Christian husbands may struggle with this answer when they come to you with an exposed heart. 

Say this instead: "I will pray for you." Let him know that you understand and that you hear what is on his heart, but rather than just telling him to pray, you will do it for him. There is something so comforting in knowing that somebody is praying for you. And, without giving him a command to do so, you have made him aware that praying is the right answer.

2. "Things happen for a reason"

My husband sees a lot of sad and horrifying things as a firefighter. He often comes home and tries to make sense of these things. I usually answered him with, "things happen for a reason." Thirteen years ago he lost his father to a heart attack, and it's still a daily struggle for him. I used to say, "things happen for a reason." Am I right to say that? I am. Of course I know that God has a plan for everything; however, I am able to put trust in that because I trust God. But my husband doesn't trust God yet. To my husband, when I say "things happen for a reason," it feels like I am brushing off his feelings, like "eh, things happen."

Our husbands are exposed to bad news every day. News broadcasts are filled with stories of daily heartbreak and evil. Our husbands, if they do not know God, may interpret our statement as cliche, something church-goers say to make themselves feel better about the bad things that happen. Your husband doesn't have trust in God or His plan like you do.

Say this instead: "I wish I knew why these things happen." It's true. We wish we knew. We wish we had some insight into God's plan. But we don't, and we aren't supposed to know. God tells us that our thoughts are not his thoughts, neither are our ways his ways (Isaiah 55:8). We aren't supposed to know. But sharing this statement with your husband allows him to see that you are trying to understand why things happen, it's not just him.

3. "Everyone was looking for you!"

Your husband wasn't at church, again. Some of the guys were asking about your husband: "where's your man? He still doesn't want to come out? How's he doing? Tell him I said hello." I find it so encouraging when someone asks me about my husband. It lets me know that they look forward to seeing him and that they are hoping (like me) that one day he will come to church. Well, this phrase is not exactly encouraging to a husband who doesn't regularly attend church. It sounds like we took attendance and everyone turned around to notice that he wasn't there...again. 

Say this instead: "[friend's name] asked how you've been doing, he said to say hello." Who doesn't love to know that someone asked about our wellbeing? It makes us feel loved...and who doesn't love that? 

4. "I assumed you wouldn't want to go"

Yikes. There was an event at church which I assumed my husband would not want to attend. It was being held on a Saturday night and was a banquet style dinner. I figured, "it's still church, he won't want to go."  So I didn't pay for him to attend. I was wrong. And he was so hurt that I didn't even think to ask him whether or not he would like to attend. I'm pretty sure I had that deer in the headlights look on my face because I was so confused. "I assumed you wouldn't want to go," I sheepishly admitted. 

General rule of thumb: don't ever assume. Anything. Ever. By assuming he doesn't want to attend church or a special event, it makes him feel as though you could care less whether or not he joined you. And, as I was told by my husband, it made him feel as though I didn't have a need for him, in addition to not feeling cosidered. 

Say this instead: "honey, I was wondering if you would like to join me..." Approaching him with this gentle consideration will make him feel loved, respected and wanted. Of course you want your husband to be with you, whether it's church or a social event. If you assume that his answer will automatically be "no," you miss out on the chance that he might say "yes." 

5. "God comes first"

As He should. But your husband doesn't understand that. The only thing he sees is someone (or something) taking over his spot in your life. Your husband wants to be your #1 priority. He doesn't want to share you or your time with anyone else. He wants all of your heart, all of your attention and all of your admiration. He doesn't understand that by keeping God as priority you will ultimately be making your husband your top priority, as well.

I am a much better wife when I am connected to God. I wouldn't call myself the best wife, but I'm definitely a much-improved version when I'm close to God. My husband used to tempt me with promised shopping sprees after breakfast...if I didn't go to church. He used to get angry as I would get ready for church, making snide comments and withholding love from me. I used to fight back and say things like "God comes first" with total attitude. With that remark, my husband began to build resentment towards God and church.

Say this instead: "I am a better wife when I'm close to God." Amen - your husband will be like, 'honey, let me walk you to the car, don't forget your bible!' There is a big difference in saying "God comes first" (he hears "you are not as important") and "I want to be a better wife for you" (he feels important). Our men don't yet understand that by keeping God our top priority we are called higher as women, as wives, as mothers, as sisters, daughters and friends. Helping him to understand one of the reasons God needs to be number one in your life is to be a better wife for him will help him appreciate God and what God is doing in both of your lives.

___________________________

I've said enough of the wrong things to make a list of the top 100 things not to say to your husband. Our words need to be filled with the love, respect and patience for our husbands. They may know about God, but they only see Him through us.

In other words, use the right words.

Xoxo

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Deep Waters

What do you do when your sin is bigger than you?

What do you do when your sin is against your husband?

What do you do when your husband is not a believer?

Do you beat yourself up time and time again? Do you tell yourself that you aren't worthy of grace or forgiveness? Do you make yourself believe that you are now alone? Do you convince yourself that your husband will never become a Christian because of you?

If you do, you're in company because I just described me. 

The entire story behind my bigger than life sin is long and lengthy, filled with years of sin, years of tried repentance and months of repetitive offenses. I've cried enough to solve the drought problem in California. I've entertained depression, I've shut down, and I've told myself I'm not worthy of love. 

And as if that weren't bad enough, it was a sin that directly affected my husband. My husband who looks to me for Christ like examples was the one having to repeatedly show me Christ like grace. 

I know you're wondering, "what the heck did she do??" I did not have an affair, there is nobody else involved. But what I did is equally as damaging to a marriage.  I was heavily buried in financial deceit.  Like anything that remains hidden from truth, it didn't start off big, but it snowballed and grew until it avalanched and came crashing down.

All while I'm claiming to be a woman of faith. 

And my husband knew that.

What picture did I paint for my husband? A perfect hypocrite. Say one thing, but do another. How can that be inspirational or lead my husband towards God?  It can't. And it won't. 

As wives, spiritually single or not, integrity and follow through are two of the most important things we can offer to our husbands, which are results of loving and respecting our husbands daily.

When my sin was revealed to my husband, he immediately did not feel loved, and he definitely did not feel respected. He was faced with knowing that his wife had been deliberately deceiving him for a long time. And aside from the shock of being made aware that there was financial sin happening, his heart and his mind then wandered towards, "if you lied to me about this, what else are you capable of? Would you cheat on me?"  Of course, I know in my heart I would never even dare to entertain that thought, but you know what? By hiding sin from him, I proved to him that I am, in fact, capable of doing something like that.

Is there something in your life that you are keeping from your husband? Does he know the truth about everything? Are there "little white lies" that you assume will do no harm? 

My "little white lies," which I (wrongfully) justified as "keeping peace and not wanting to cause a ripple in our daily living," were not filled with malicious intent. My heart hurt, my mind knew I needed to be truthful, but I convinced myself that I was protecting our family. And that's where the enemy wants us to feel safe with our sin. If we can tell ourselves that we're hiding our sin to avoid arguments or keep the house happy, the enemy wins because he has deceived you.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23

God's word doesn't say that some things flow from our hearts, He says that everything flows from it. So what's in your heart? God? Or the enemy? Who takes up the most space?

You may think I'm crazy, you may be saying, "I would never let the enemy in my heart! There's only room for God in there," and I certainly hope that's true...but have you ever told your husband, "oh I've had this for so long," about a blouse you bought just last week? Or "look what I got today, honey! It was on sale," but it wasn't? Maybe it has nothing to do with money. Did you tell your husband that your ex-boyfriend contacted you through social media? Does your husband know that you check his email?  You get the idea...

From the smallest "little white lie" to the outrageous deceit, it's all the same. 

So what do we do about it?

1. Confess

Ugh. Who wants to do that, right? This is the whole thing we were trying to avoid. "I don't want to tell anyone. I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. He's going to be so mad. It's going to ruin everything." 

True, it might ruin that ripple-less home you've been secretly creating, but that conflict-free atmosphere you've been shaping is false. The only thing you've been doing is pretending your sin is ok. 

Here's what I love about God (and what I sometimes don't appreciate)...He gives us the chance to confess our sins. You know those times when you've felt that prompt, "now is the time, tell him," and you ignored it? That was your chance. That was God prompting you to confess. Oh, but you didn't confess? Phew - got out of that one, right? So wrong. God will try again and again. Until one day He will reveal it himself. 

Which would be better for your husband? To hear your words in truth? Or to find out because you couldn't control it?

There is so much relief in the confessing of your sin. Sure, it won't be pretty at first, but once that sin is out, you are instantly closer to God...because our sin is the only thing that can separate us from Him. 

And He wants to rescue us from our sin:

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:8-9

Confess. It will be ok. Let God deliver you from unrighteousness.

2. Seek Advice

"Now I gotta tell someone else about what I did?" Yep. And again, it won't be pretty. It will hurt. If it's a righteous man, woman, or a couple, that you are seeking advice from, it should hurt. Because they will be truthful using God's word and His expectations of us as Christians. 

But that's what is needed. When we are cut to the heart, it allows the opportunity for God and His word to sink deep inside and begin the healing process. 

Seeking advice not only allows us to hear the effects of our sin, but it provides us with someone to guide us back onto the path of righteousness. Accountability is huge. If there is nobody to check in on you, your repentance and your walk with God, how do you really think you'd do? How quickly would you go back to the mindset of "nobody needs to know?" I am willing to bet that you would quickly return to old habits.

This whole journey is not meant to be done alone. Not only can we prosper with accountability, we can have prayer warriors on our side...and we know the power behind prayer. 

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." James 5:16

God doesn't expect you to fight this battle on your own. He instructs us to confess to each other...and look at the reason why: so that we can be healed.

__________________________

Sin is sin. Yours is no different than mine, and mine is no different than yours. Whether we intend it or not, our sin and our choices directly effect our husbands and our families, even if we think we're protecting them. The truth is, by keeping sin hidden, we are exposing them. We are not protecting them at all. We are leaving them wide open....and welcoming the enemy into our home. 

There is healing in confession, power in prayer and comfort in knowing that God is with you every step of the way. He tells us, 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned...For I am The Lord your God...you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you..." Isaiah 43:2-4

You are loved. I am loved. Let the healing begin.

Xoxo

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